The Devil Eats Prata

I tend to have a way of associating certain things to certain events with certain people. But then I think that's normal, right? Good or bad, it's the way it is.

It is nice to realize that you've got new and happier (for lack of a better term) memories to hang on to when they do happen though.

Good way to start the end to an eventful year.

It Flies

As I was sending my heavily-mascara'd sister to the airport for her flight to the land of the Vuvuzela, I realized that the airport is a place that holds special significance in my life. I've shared some of my fondest and saddest memories with the people dearest to me there, and it will probably be a place I'll always look at with more than a hint of sentiment.

But the other thing that flies, as do airplanes in the night sky, is time.

2010 has flashed by, almost too fast for most of us to catch. It still amazes me that it's a few days till Christmas, when I can vividly remember what I was doing in the first quarter of the year. Logically speaking, there are only two possible explanations, of course. Either time appears to be going by faster as we get older because the elapsed time grows proportionally smaller when compared to what we've already experienced, of, the far more likely scenario, I actually have special time-bending powers. Yatta!

It's been a mixed year, at best. Silver linings and small victories in despair, and muted celebrations scattered through the calendar. Got out of school, but miss it. Got a good job, but sacrificed a large chunk of the social life, found and lost good friends and important people, as well as those less favored.

Most of you who either take the time to ask about me and/or to read this space would know all that already, perhaps in depth. Admittedly, some people know more than others, or at least more of certain things than others, either due to choice or circumstance.

Has it been a good year? I'm not sure. Has it been a bad one? I really can't say either way. I do know though, that I made two resolutions last year, and I've kept one of them very well, and failed miserably in the other.

Perhaps that sums up my 2010.

In No Order

Was speaking to a dear friend of mine about our favorite movies of all time. Here are mine, with the trailers linked - not all the official trailers. I'm sure I've missed a few.

Meet Joe Black
The Land Before Time
Bicentennial Man
300
The Lord of the Rings trilogy
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Terminator 2
At First Sight
Hook
V for Vendetta
Cruel Intentions
Predator
The Silence of the Lambs
American Beauty
Inception
Jurassic Park
The Truman Show
Desperado
Avatar
The Transformers: The Movie
Atonement
The Matrix
The Lion King
Sin City
A.I.
Armageddon

Note

At dinner today I saw something that's been staring at me for a long time. Haven't paid too much attention to it since forever, and really not too sure why it's affecting me today.

Was a strange dinner, with good people but maybe it was my fault, being or feeling strangely disconnected.

Christmas is coming, and I'm supposed to go Christmas shopping in a couple of days. Hrm.

Lies

I don't like being dishonest, but I realize I've been lying to quite a few people recently, and for a long time. Easier that way, maybe. The truth seems to upset others, so.

Faithfully

It's weird how a question can lead to so much uncertainty, when a question is supposed to bring an end to whatever doubts exist in the first place. That's what I came across recently. Two questions, really. Double trouble.

The first stared at me for a long time, and really, I didn't have any reason, obligation or compulsion to answer it. Well, maybe saying I had no compulsion is stretching the truth a little - there are some people I can't help but reach for.

So I did, and some observers went so far as to assume it meant something more than what it was, a simple answer to a simple question.

The other was stranger, and really, it seemed like it came from a stranger as well. Unexpected, seeing as the last exchange we had was my being told that meeting for dinner wouldn't be possible due to work commitments, but then upon a quick return home, the ever-reliable Facebook revealed otherwise.

Two questions, very different, yet very similar as well.

Met two old friends earlier today. Well, yesterday, now. Nice to do that sometimes. One of them went so far as to mention how he'd like to swap places with me, a sentiment I can hardly agree with.

Still, as cheesy as it sounds, it's a great feeling to be around the people you know you can count on.

River

Music

This is music. One of the few acts I would pay to see.

Dawn

I've always liked the sky. Never made a secret of the fact that I can be a geek at times, and things like the stars, planets, and space in general tends to fascinate me to no end. Am in the midst of reading something by Stephen Hawking about the history of the universe as well, though that's more quantum physics than astronomy. Not to mention mindblowingly-complex.

Something I've always wanted is to watch a sunrise, to share the break of dawn with someone. (Too?) Many people gush about how romantic a sunset is, and while I've experienced a couple of very sentimental ones, the inverse still eludes me.

Strange, seeing as how work sometimes brings me to situations where catching that sunrise is as simple as looking skywards, but somehow it just seems wrong to do it like that.

Hrm.

Blast

Huh.

I thought I did all that.

Maybe you (and your friends) were right all along!

xkcd

If It Makes You Happy

Someone asked me recently, if I remembered the last time I was truly happy. Really happy.

I do. Doesn't make me bitter or anything, not anymore. We should all cherish the fact that we managed to live, be alive in those moments, rather than bemoan how they've passed.

What's yours? Do you remember?

Just A Simple Word

Test

This isn't my first rant on the topic, so if that puts you off, let me know. I'll unfollow you on Twitter or remove you from Facebook or any other social media if you have ever come close to preaching about your faith, but choose to minimize my opinion.

It seems, for some reason or another, that the three-letter word is popping up more and more and more online these days. I might go so far to say that I haven't even been in an environment quite like how it is right now, regarding the sheer frequency of the G-word. And I used to talk to lots of bible thumpers. Went to St Gabriel's Primary School, even. The devotion is nigh on palpable.

What irks me though, is how some people can so blindly attribute all that is good to an external locus of control, and yet label any misfortune as a "test".

I don't even know where to start, really.

If you're facing difficulties, looking at it as a test can be a good thing, I admit. It's almost always beneficial to all involved when things are framed in a positive light. No point despairing, right? But you see, there is a difference in changing your point of view on things and believing that it's merely a part of a big cosmic plan.

Let's say you're a Good Person. I think most of us are. Good People. Sure, everyone has their faults, their moments of weakness, their little things. But I don't think most of the people I know are Bad People. I'm sure this applies to the people you know too.

Extend that, and eventually you'll come across more than a few Good People who seem to have been screwed over by the Big Cosmic Plan. A test? Can you really say that with any conviction to the innocent young boy who's lost his family in a hurricane (an act of God), or to the poor honest woman whose children are born with birth defects, or to her beleaguered husband who loses his job to someone sleeping his or her way to the top?

Yeah that last dude wasn't screwed by the Big Man, you say. It was another person that screwed him (well, everyone but him, maybe...).

So what about that Bad Person then? Does the plan not apply to him or her? Aren't they tested? If the Power(s) the Be are testing you to see if you're "worthy", why not "test" these Bad People? Because they're already condemned? Then why do they still get the material wealth? Why are some Bad People born with a silver spoon in their little infantile mouths, and live out a life of comfort and luxury?

But they will be punished in the afterlife, you say.

How do you know that? Because some book that exists in several versions says so? The same book that also decrees that certain cultures and demographics are less than human? I'm not even going to get into that. Yet.

If the "afterlife" excuse is all you have, it's a piss-poor one really. You're trying to tell me that we, creatures of this mortal plane of existence, are supposed to work and strive towards an intangible, unproven, unconfirmable, otherworldly reward? That's faith?

No. I think faith is internal. You believe that things will work out if you actually do something about it. Getting onto your knees won't help (in most cases...), but it might let you focus or calm down to get things done to then make things better. It isn't some Divine Being that's helping you along, it's you finally coming to terms with what you have to do.

Again, some people will object to that, saying that their Deity is their focal point. And that's what I agree with. Everyone should have their own focal point, their own way to meditate - for lack of a better term - over things and to find the solution, or what is perceived to be the best path towards the solution. Again, that brings me back to my earlier point, in that I believe everyone has the ability to make things better for themselves. Perhaps (and probably) not to the extent of which they might ideally want to, but it's more than what an unproven Lord and Creator might bestow upon you.

Here's where someone interjects with an anecdotal story about how someone they know had their life changed for the better because of divine intervention. How they prayed for assistance, and something came out of nowhere to make things brighter and easier. One problem though. If you pray, and that solution appears out of the blue, there isn't really any way for you to say with any certainty that it would not have happened without the prayers. Right?

And what about the millions of people who do pray for help and receive none? Be it your Grilled Cheesus or other religious artifacts, can you really believe that somebody up there helped you get a B+ on that history test when children are starving all over the world?

Do you really believe that that's their test?

Today

It's not really a finale if it isn't the last part though, eh?

Shoot

Disclaimer: For the most part, I was not thinking of actual people I know (or maybe already shot...) when I was making up the list. Just bored and in a heightened state of irritation.

1. People who are narrow-minded.

2. People who abuse animals and children.

3. People who see alcohol as an excuse, or take advantage of those who are intoxicated.

4. People who don't reply to messages.
5. People who fucking swear too fucking much.
6. People who stop at the end of escalators.
7. People who ask questions in movies.
8. People who only listen to 80's music because of Glee.
9. PEOPLE WHO TALK IN CAPS.
10. People who don't keep promises.
11. ppl hu tlk in txt spk
12. People who Tweet about being drunk.
13. People who take advantage of others who drive.
14. People who seem to laugh hard at stupid movies.
15. People who are bad at making lewd jokes, but do it anyway.
16. People who preach about religion to those who don't care.
17. People who offer their expert opinion when it is neither expert nor asked for.
18. People who act cute.
19. People who speak in another language when not everyone present can understand it.
20. People who became Michael Jackson fans only after his death.
21. People who try and explain jokes. Badly.
22. People who complain about situations of their own choosing and making.
23. People who waste food and paper.
24. People who turn on their friends.
25. People who are hypocrites or two-faced.
26. People who assume vampire fiction is related to Twilight.
27. People who think being a clerk in NS is easy.
28. People (guys) who have no sleeves.
29. People who assume they have a Divine Right to sit, even after they've obviously been shopping all day.
30. People who bring uncontrollable and misbehaving children to public places.
31. People who talk in cinemas.
32. People who retell and try to revive unfunny gimmicks. Old Spice, Chuck Norris, etc.
33. People who try to use social media to earn money FROM their "friends".
34. People who listen to Justin Bieber.
35. People who are too caught up with getting good grades or making a lot of money.
36. People who waste money.
37. People who troll when they can simply avoid what they don't want to see.
38. People who try to use big words when easier ones will do.
39. People Who Type Like This For Some Reason Which I Never Understood.
40. People... who... use... too many... dots...
41. People who put pictures of cars or other inanimate objects as their Facebook display picture.
42. People who put stupid names as their Facebook names.
43. People who steal.
44. People who love to laugh at others, but cannot laugh at themselves.
45. People who are always late.
46. People who freeload. Food, cigarettes, anything.
47. People who say they need to diet when they don't.
48. People who assume owning a camera equates to being a photographer.
49. People who act as if the world revolves around them.
50. People who can't make up their minds.

Hungry

Been going to Serangoon way too often recently. Am craving for... cookies, prata, ice cream, salmon sushi/sashimi, pizza, garlic bread, and some good fried rice. In no particular order.

Ice cream after everything, of course.

Uses & Gratifications Theory. It said something like how you choose the media you frequent because it gives you what you want. What do YOU want when you look at this space?

But I Did Not Send

Hi there,

I wonder how you're doing. Finally started (seriously) looking for a job yet? Hope the family is good.

Saw that thing the other day, good for you. Wouldn't say it caught me unawares, but then you did also say you'd never do it. Of course, that seemed like ages ago now. People change, things change, of course. Hopefully it works out better than the last time, eh? You know what I think about it, so let's leave it at that.

Got me the iPhone, as I told you I would so long ago. Getting used to it, really the first non-Nokia one I've had in almost a decade. I like it so far, but I'm still amused that some people are going crazy over Facetime and the gadget in general. Just a phone, to me. A good and cool one, of course, but a phone nonetheless.

Caught Sea Rex. Remember that? We saw the trailer for it in April or something and were so stoked (I don't think I've ever used that word before) until we found out it only opened here in November. So it's November,  but of course I figured you'd not be watching it with me, if at all. I kinda liked it, though it was slow at times and focussed more on the fossils than the actual animals.

Timbre was good, I take it. Have to say it's been a while since I was uninvited from something, but then it was to be expected really.

And was it you I saw at Kembangan MRT a few weeks ago? If it wasn't, you have a doppleganger walking about. Jeans, nice hair, jacket, pink glasses. Turned away and pretended to be on the phone just as I wanted to call out though, so.

Anyway, I hope you're doing well, even if you never read this.

Naz

Off My Chest

It was me. But it obviously didn't work out the way I wanted.

Dream

I drive to the area I know so well, the place I seem to gravitate towards even now, with little reason to. I do have a reason now though, and pass through the familiar roads and lanes slowly, reliving past smiles. The reason disappears suddenly, and I am left somewhat stranded, and frustrated. A walk will do, one thinks.

Glass doors and soft lights to my left, I move along, and suddenly I find myself at a place known very well, though never been. At the portal, at the threshold I stand, and a voice drifts from the small stage of the place, and I find myself amazed and quite confounded to see a certain short and non-singing friend performing (or attempting to perform) some manner of song. Chuckling, I start to move into the cafe, but suddenly I notice a group of people sitting comfortably on the armchairs and sofas of Central Perk, oblivious to my semi-entrance. Prudently, I step back out, and ponder over my next move. I decide to leave, for lingering would be of little use other than to aggravate a situation already lost.

Dropping down into the driver's seat, I reach for the ignition, and as I turn the key, the passenger door opens and another figure lowers herself into the seat comfortably. For a fleeting instant, my hopes soar, and then I realize who it is. Someone else.

"Why didn't you come in?"


"I didn't think the rest of them, or at least one of them, would want me to."


"Why?"


"That's what happened the last time. I was told not to come for dinner on Friday."


"But who said that? And wh - "

And the phone rang and I woke up.

I hate dreams sometimes.

Cleaning Up

Earlier today, I received a text uninviting me to something that I didn't expect to get invited to. The messenger was kind enough to try and sugar coat her words, though it was unnecessary, in all honesty. Didn't really feel disappointed considering I didn't expect to go with or without the ask.

Got me thinking (and yes, I have been regularly accused of overthinking) about how far things have fallen, and how much things have changed. It seemed like only yesterday that everything seemed to fall into place, to click and to work.

Not to say that nothing's good now. Far from it. Aside from the (rather serious) accident, work is actually really good. Getting into a good rhythm, and been gelling well with people there. I'd go so far to say my boss likes me. Weekly podcasts are fun too, and I take requests. So far the only one is to say "CRAP" more.

But today's events got me a-thinking, as I mentioned, and not for the first time I realize how easy it is to remember something you've tried so hard for so long to forget.

Just about done with mopping up my room, and clearing away things that should have been kept away before.

Refreshing.

Looking Back

Rather than wallow in what might have been, it's ultimately and infinitely better to appreciate and cherish what you did have.

I guess I'm beginning to get that now.

Echo

"There's a time and place for everything."

And the skies lit up.

An echo of a memory long gone but not forgot, letting the night grow quiet as it grew brighter.

Ten Things to Ten People

1. People think otherwise, and they might not believe me, but I know you're better than that. Have fun in Buffalo, I think that's where you'll be for a while.

2. You don't need to use big words to sound smart.

3. I wish you were still around, instead of being so far. When I heard you were leaving (again) it felt like running into a brick wall.

4. I'm surprised you still make the effort really. It's more than others have done. And I appreciate it. I'll do my best to make it dinner. Even though I hate yogurt.

5. TALKING IN CAPS is very annoying. Ironic that you keep talking about annoying things.

6. The whole perverted and sex-obsessed thing is getting really old really quickly.

7. You told me a long time ago that for the longest time, you couldn't listen to Class 95 at nights, but then got better. I know how you feel now.

8. You seem like someone making their own problems time and time again. And sometimes it feels like the only time  you talk to me is in between those problems.

9. I kept my promise not to forget you after graduation. Will you keep yours to be at mine next year? I don't think so, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Or how I feel about not seeing you the other day when I was told you might be there.

10. I don't think I'm being fair to you.

Hope It Will Come True

Relic

The past few days, all I was really thinking of was potentially bumping into someone today. It didn't happen. Somebody asked how I felt about that.

I'll tell you when I know.

New Rule

It's nice when you see those important to you, when you realize who they are and how important you are to them. At the same time though, it can be difficult if you're unfortunate enough to understand that you're not as important to others as you thought or hoped.

Just have to think about it, and ask yourself if you want to be that person's important person.

Sometimes the answers surprise you, and you can think up new rules for the way things work.

The Other Side

Everyone is gushing over the passing of a certain wife of a certain Singaporean. I don't know how it feels like to lose a spouse, but I'm sure it's beyond heart-wrenching. I'm sure that the widower is doing his best to get by, along with the rest of the family.

What really irks and annoys me though, is the reaction from the general public.

Not a few weeks ago, the "old man gonna die already" jokes were flying about thick and fast. Hell, teachers and lecturers used to crack them at least once a week in school it seemed. And now suddenly people are clicking "Like" on the deceased's Facebook page (which wasn't set up by her, I would assume) as if they've been supportive all along?

So why do people only bother, or seem to bother or maybe just want to appear to bother after someone has passed on? The old adage of "you don't know what you have til it's gone"  would be a popular answer to that, but really, it's bullshit. Same goes for the multitude of Michael Jackson fans who only signed up after he kicked the bucket. How many of them saw Moonwalker?

I'm not saying we shouldn't pay our respects. Death is never a nice thing. But seriously, if you've been saying all this while about how "he should hurry up and die", you have very little excuse for acting nice and altruistic now. The "oh I hope he will be OK" Tweets and Facebook statuses and the like are plain ridiculous.

How many other people passed away on that day? Are they any less special than that one lady? I'm sure she was - and probably still is - the world to her husband and family. I accept, expect and respect that. But was she to the rest of you? Now take a moment to think about how "sorry" or "sad" you feel when you hear about other deaths. The obituaries are there everyday. Do you take the time to look and wonder about how each of them might also deserve the same amount of attention?

A Nice Message

Timeless

Cheers

Woke up suddenly realizing I needed a hair cut. Started to wonder why I was keeping it long in the first place. Had it cut.

Moving on.

Hey

Don't know if you'll read this, but it's more than 140 characters, and so one obvious avenue for communication (if it can be called that) is out. E-Mails don't work anymore either, I guess.

I have no idea what it is that's eating at you, and honestly, as much as I do want to know, there's a part of me that doesn't as well, and I definitely don't want to guess anyway. All I see and hear and read is about how you're angry and sad and bothered.

Everyday, every hour, I get reminded of things I've been trying to forget. That dinosaur movie we've been waiting for is showing now, and the concert is next week, but the likelihood I'll catch either is about as good as landing a starring spot on Glee. Pity though, for more reasons than the obvious.

A lot of other people will read this though. Well, not a lot. This space isn't that popular, other than seeming to attract bots (I'm looking at you, ChatBox). But a number of people will read this, though not all will understand half of it. To you folks, I'm sorry.

And I'm sorry to you too, the one this is for. Sorry for many things.

Not everything, though.

Not for sneaking up on unsuspecting siblings at the airport, or watching the planes fly in the night sky (sans wishing they were shooting stars). Not for being called "Chocolate" or for watching you freak out when you thought someone had caught on. Not for long rides home with others pretending not to see the flower laying there, and not for that one being just one of many I'm not sure you even have any more. Not for still keeping the bottle of water you only half-finished when we went to the zoo and not for stealing that first hug when that other person was in the theatre bathroom.  Not for the little smiley faces that used to litter your MSN window, the crazy smiley faces you'd make when driving in the car. Or the one night you showed up, out of the blue, and made me believe that I wasn't so crazy after all.

A long time ago, you made me promise not to forget you, and I intend to keep that promise.

I just hope that you haven't forgotten that I'm always be and I've always been here if you need or want anything.

Doubt this will change anything though, but I had to say it somehow.

There It Is

First time in weeks. Not that it changes anything. Think I'm getting sick too, and that's always very bad.

Shit.

Clubbed to Death

I like the instrumental track by Rob D, especially the mix that was used in The Matrix. The video is a little weird, but the song is still kick-ass. But this isn't about piano keys and bass, this is about clubbing. At least my take on it.

Many people have their own views on clubbing. Some are all for it, and some abhore the habit. Or addiction. I've been to clubs before, and I think that - OK, I've been to a club before, and I think it's alright I guess, if you're into that kind of thing.

I'm not.

Some choose to walk through the smoky doors of a dimly-lit, wall-thumping club to have fun. Well, I guess you could say everyone goes there to have fun, but the catch is that definitions of fun differ greatly from person to person. I'd think watching Tremors and laughing at cheesy movie effects is fun, but others might only classify the F-word as being drunk out of your mind in a room full of equally-drunk people. The exception, of course, would be the designated drivers who would be body-shakin while maintaining a soberly outlook on life. At least that's what most of us hope.

Many of my close friends enjoy clubbing. I don't. As I've mentioned so eloquently before, crowds aren't my cup of tea. I hate tea anyway. I don't frown on people who do indulge themselves, though. It's just...

Sometimes it's difficult to not look around the Web for any seemingly innocent material before you are assaulted with a multitude of gyrating torsos promising fun and funk at any random club VIP room. And I go "Wait a minute..."

Now, this isn't me saying I don't, can't or won't trust someone who likes to club particularly often (to my liking, at least), but it's just the other people I don't trust. It's just the other drunk people I don't trust. You could meet the first Singapore Idol or some supposed TV-star there, but it still doesn't change the fact that things do happen at clubs. And not all of it is fun.

Simply put, many people club looking to have a good time. Now, there are good times and there are good times. Forgetting that you have a significant other and making out with a stranger isn't my idea of a good time, but it happens as most of you very well know. I'm lucky enough to not have had to deal with that (to a certain degree...), but listening to stories from various sources is indeed very disconcerting.

(Overheard from random fella, translated for your benefit)

"Oh man, you know I was Zouk yesterday and there was this HOT chick. I don't know who she is, never found out her name, but she was high man, HIGH. We were dancing and before I knew it, her tongue was in my mouth!"



Of course, the source of this monologue would be a rather obnoxious fellow that, if anything, smells. Over the pungent aroma of too many vodkas and cigs.

But the fact of the matter is that such things do happen, and sometimes I worry. Maybe it's me being paranoid. I was reassured all the time by the other girls that they'll "take care" of the others. Now, I don't mean to be rude, but you don't exactly put up a brilliant picture of confidence when you're staggering to the ladies (in a group, of course) to puke.

But I'd still not stand in the way of anyone going to a club, of course. Especially since most invite me to tag along anyway so I can see first-hand the grinding of people trying to look cool and fit in.

Well, I guess that's the end of my tirade. Not much else to say, really. Like I said at the start, nothing against clubbers, and no offence to anyone who might have been implicated here. Go! Club! Drink! Enjoy!

I Miss Your Purple Hair

Only Just A Dream

Another work-night saw another drive alone. Wrong turn took me to the same place again. Good music though, so that was a plus.

Sleepless in Serangoon

Had a good day (so far) today, I think. Did a lot of that, thinking, with certain questions from certain people not helping matters. Then made my way to work, after cleaning up.

Found myself somewhere else instead of the office.

Good thing I decided to leave early.

Something from the Past

Hari Raya

It's here again. Customary for those who celebrate it to ask for forgiveness from those around them for wrongdoings and the like, and so I'll take this opportunity to do so, though I'm not exactly sorry for everything that's happened over the past year.

If I've wronged you, perhaps I'm sorry then.

Perhaps not.

Throwback to Simpler Times

Sleep

Lately I've been having trouble getting to sleep, which is ironic seeing as how half the time I'm so bored I could doze off doing anything. But right after I log off and switch off (my, how we are slaves to the internet these days), I find myself staring at nothing, thinking about everything.

Not even any one thing, just everything. Mind whirling like a car rolling down a cliffside in an action flick. Minus cheesy over-the-top explosion.

Any suggestions?

iPhony

So there I was with my family, hungry and awaiting the "authentic" Thai food that was to be served at a familiar orange-toned restaurant. That the waiter came to take our orders without a pen or pencil or quill didn't help matters of course, and neither did the scowling visage of one particular sibling as she looked longingly at the popcorn chicken procured from the nearby KFC outlet. As the minutes ticked by ever so slowly (I'll get into the reasons for fasting another day, perhaps), I sat back and closed my eyes for a moment. I do deserve a rest, after all, seeing as how I've worked hard and honest everyday for almost two weeks. Who am I kidding, I was up late watching Mythbusters and CSI and Built For the Kill.

Anyway.

As we sat there, I noticed that the table had gone quiet. Now, my family has never been a very talkative one (at least among ourselves; my sister once said of her lack of smiling at gatherings: "It's because I hate being here.") but this was rather eerie. It was as if I had gone deaf, or that some beings had come and stolen everyone's voices, like that awesome episode on Buffy (called Hush, highly recommend). Looking up, I then saw the reason for the all-conquering silence.

Someone explain to me why I bothered to have dinner with my family when every single one of them seemed more intent on being transfixed to their little phones (Apple or other fruits) instead of those around them. Please.

Lots of people going crazy over a small black gadget that promises endless entertainment, unlimited convenience and everything from driving directions to the answer to life, the universe and everything. I, for one, am not amused.

I'm not even going to talk about the mass of people spamming things like FACETIME and the like on the various social media platforms that we're all slaves to, or how the general populace have been so efficiently ensnared and enthralled by the promises and promotions of the various TelCom companies. Rather, it was that single poignant incident a few hours ago that finally drove me over the edge, as it were.

Not the first time this kind of incident has pissed me off, and each time it does it reminds me of how someone I know once suggested leaving the phones in the car or somewhere else when spending time together. I still think that's one of the best ideas I've heard in a while.

Of course, I'm in line to get me one of these little demon-trinkets as well, though I'd like to believe I won't be guilty of such behavior. Have to ask yourself, though, why bother trying to maintain things face-to-face when everyone is more interested in face-to-screen. I would think that I, because of past history, might be better positioned to speak of the merits of computer (or at least technology-) mediated communication, but this is really taking it too far.

After several minutes, mother dearest noticed my vexation at the situation, and smiled. She then proceeded to go back to her phone. It's a bad apple we have in our midst, ladies and gentlemen, though one that isn't going to get sifted out anytime soon I'm sure.

I'll Be There For You

So The Rembrandts repeated every time before we started watching the best half-hour sitcom ever made. But what does it mean to be a friend? The implications and obligations, complications and connotations, the measure and meaning of friendship itself?

Before I start, and perhaps you've already thought to yourself by now, what do I know about being a friend? I can name a fair number of people who would probably think I'm a poor example, but then I could probably say the same about them.

One often expects the most from those considered a "friend", and perhaps that's justified. Of everyone you would have any expectations for, the ones you hold in the highest regard should by default be expected of highly as well. And if you don't look at your friends that way, why call them such?

But then isn't it also true that you shouldn't expect anything from a bond or relationship such as that? One borne of trust, respect and - for lack of a better word - love? You shouldn't expect something given in return, a transactional model, but one is content in knowing that your friends have your interests and happiness at heart.

Of course, it all sounds sickeningly idealistic, and in most cases that's hardly the case.

I know people who have been accused of "collecting friends", who makes little effort to get to know any one of their so-called friends after seeming to establish that they are, beyond any doubt, friends. Strange and contradictory, yes, but the antics of most girls usually are. I know of those that would give heartfelt and tear-streaked promises, whispered in the ears of those supposedly dear, and appear to forget the oaths when out of sight. Out of mind, perhaps. People who would undercut or simply cheat other "friends" out of their money. Some who might take full use of any relationship with anyone simply for the sake of convenience, treating others as one might a hired (and poorly-paid) chauffeur.

But then I also know those who would go out of their way to make sure that a friend is happy or stays happy. People who might quietly and stoically give up something they want to improve the situation of someone they care about. Those who expect nothing in return and in truth, sometimes get nothing in return. Friends who would expend much even if they don't spend much, those who make it seem like making the effort is effortless.

But it's hardly effortless.

A friendship, or any kind of relationship is something that takes time and energy to grow and maintain. Nothing new there, of course. But what many don't realize is that the way one quantifies or qualifies the resources put into that relationship lacks any universal measure.

Am I a good friend because I twice cancelled on seeing a girl I was seeing (dating?) because a friend was upset and needed to talk? Am I a good friend for picking someone up and driving them home, both out of my way, because they were sick? Am I a good friend for dropping my own work to help someone else write a Psychology paper, seeing as how I was more versed in the subject matter? What about the times I have simply not bothered with people who have bothered? Or when I have ditched a friend for a date? Or the number of times I have pretended to be "Busy" or "Away" online to avoid talking to people who would call themselves my "friends"?

But then there are different "friends" to different people, and the concept of friendship itself is vague, at best, perhaps. There are those I have barely seen in a year, and yet who I'd do almost anything for. Those I spend more time with than most but who I don't care much for. And all of this changes. This flux often throws people into disarray, and many don't understand it. I know I don't.

Two different people recently spoke of how they feel a wedge between them and either an individual or a group of friends. I have to say, I know how they feel. Not a lot of advice I can give them, for how can anyone outside and uninvolved ever hope to understand the complexities and intricacies of any friendship? You could spend years looking at two people, two friends, and still be surprised when they eventually and suddenly fall apart from each other. Or is that so surprising?

I've had to reconsider and reevaluate who means what to me. Not an easy or pleasant experience. I wrote earlier of a transactional model, and of expectations, likening a friendship to a business, almost. While that's a harsh and unfeeling analogy, and one I disagree with, there are aspects of it that ring true.All in all, I guess, sometimes you have to cut your losses. You know or you'll know if someone is a friend, and if you want to be a friend to someone. No point being a "friend" of, or to someone if they're not a friend to you.

Can't remember the last time you talked to me, I hope I do soon.

Along the Wire

Hey.

You used to call them surprise E-Mails from a crazy Malay boy. Not really "surprise", since they were regular happenings, and not really Malay. The rest is accurate, more or less. Haven't sent one in a bit, and three lines into this, I realize I won't exactly send this, either. Not even sure if you'll read this one way or another.

Long time ago, we talked about bumping into each other suddenly, out of nowhere, and how glad we were to realize that it didn't have to be a rarity. Soon enough, you got me skipping classes to watch the clouds pass and the waves roll, and pretty quickly that became something just the two of us did together. Evening walks and watching the lights shimmer across the water on the pool, our little secret.

You said you couldn't promise anything, but that was alright. You know I never demanded anything at all, and I don't now. But you did promise so, so much. Just by letting me in, sharing and giving so much of yourself. Racking up two-hundred dollar phone-bills, naturally having me elect not to spend birthdays (including my own) with family and other friends, that one glorious night where you came over, taking me totally by surprise, and we took another slow walk to nowhere.

A walk to nowhere, that's what it is now, you know? Maybe that's what it always was to you, but I was too blind to see it. I hope it wasn't , because to me you were the biggest and best part of me.

Was.

I keep telling myself that the tense is right, that I shouldn't be beating myself up over something that I obviously can't change or affect, and some of the little things I've done recently have helped somewhat. Now your name doesn't jump out at me automatically the minute I come online. Yet I still scroll to see if you're there. And wonder. You were the one whose name dominated my in- and outbox for the longest time. The one who called spending hours on the phone every night "SOP". The one with all the flowers. The one'd slip notes into my bag or wallet, or cleverly disguise real-life conversations relayed on your blog. The thing that almost kept me from accepting my job, fearing I couldn't spend enough time with you. The one I grew out my hair for, the one I quit swearing and speeding for.

So what now, or does that not even matter? We promised each other a long time ago that no matter what happened, things would be alright. You made me promise not to forget you, and I haven't and probably never will, though I can't remember the last time we had a decent conversation now.

Did I do something, say something wrong? You said you gave me that chance, the chance I begged for, yet that's something I can't believe. You said there was a time you looked at us and seriously thought about it, and while I do believe that, I'm not sure how long you looked, how seriously you took me. Big part of me hates that I waited, that I stuck with certain principles, wondering what might have been. Perhaps it wouldn't have changed anything, but now I'll never know.

I'll always remember, like I said. That pile of tickets speak of last-minute and overpriced adventures, rainy days with birds nibbling jeans, deja vu animal trips, electric skies on a little island, mind-blowing movies, awesome geek-fests, and more. I remember you sneakily getting a friend to ask me what was up, waiting the hours while you had to attend to your family, driving back with you and others, hoping they'd not ask the obvious, bumping into mutual friends, when you freaked and thought he found out, discovering that we might have known each other all our lives since a shared holiday when we were kids. And for a time, it felt like we did. Still there were the days and nights we'd go to such lengths to gaze at the stars (and Mars), singing stupidly in the car, hunting and ambushing oblivious siblings, exchanging surprise birthday books, watching kites fly, and that time I held you in my arms, when you seemed to happy, sitting on top of that dusty dam.

I don't regret all that. I was happier then than I've been in a long, long time. I only hope I made you happy too.

And wonder what happened to that.

Naz

Huh.

Been having more than the usual number of these shortish blog entries lately, I guess. Microblogging, is that what it's called? No idea. I don't like it. Just not a lot to say sometimes, even when you want or need to say something. Or not a lot that could or should be said.

Small steps are the way to go. Sometimes things make it easier and more difficult all at the same time.

Live in My Memory

Got a new wallet some time ago, and haven't actually used it yet. Went through the stuff in my old (current) one today, and saw something from a while back that made me stop and look at things that have come to pass.

Gutsy.

Fast

My, how a year changes things. And how much has happened in the year since.


Not looking forward to the traditional day of celebration that's due in a few weeks.


I hate questions.

Expendables: Spoiler-Free Review

A few years ago, if you'd have told anyone that a movie would star Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolf Lundgren, Mickey Rourke, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger alongside UFC legend Randy Couture and WWF/E icon Steve Austin, you'd have their laughter echoing till today. That's a very long sentence.

You don't get long sentences in The Expendables, though, just all those names and more.

I'll get it out of the way early: I really, really liked the movie. It's not Terminator 2 or Iron Man or Avatar, but it doesn't suffer from the stupid plots, poor acting or cheesy effects that seem to haunt more recent films (Last Airbender and Twilight, I'm looking at you, from what I hear). Story follows a group of mercenaries (The Expendables) as they go about their daily business, as you may. Nothing ground-breaking, and somewhat predictable.

But I'd much rather predictable than stupid, and the movie's predictability is somewhat offset by the sheer awesomeness of the cast. It reeks of awesomeness. I haven't even mentioned Charisma Carpenter (Buffy!) and Eric Roberts, brother of slightly more famous Julia. Fans of Heroes would recognize him straight away, Mister Villain, you.

Lots of blood and bullets, with a body count that I'm sure exceeds a couple of hundred. A few of the sequences are reminiscent of something out of Time Crisis, but I for one feel that it's done well. No chaingun from Predator or T2 though.

Arnie and Bruce Willis don't stay on screen too long, but the scene that they do share (with Stallone) is brilliant. Won't spoil it for you, but one line in particular drew a fantastic reaction from the whole theatre. Jason Statham seems to have perfected his character from The Transporter so much that he now carries it with him wherever he goes, and while that might usually be a crutch, it fits really well here. Just substitute the car for a bike. Jet Li, for me though, was really fantastic. I actually had a discussion with friends about how I liked Jet Li more than other Asian actors because he was serious and stylish, but here he made me laugh harder than Jackie Chan ever has. Randy Couture's performance is also commendable, though playing an ex-wrestler tough guy isn't too far from the truth. Steve Austin plays a big bad enforcer type of fellow, and again, it's a role he's played more than once and so does it well. And you just know that the two of them have to get it on. And Mickey Rourke still has his highlights from Iron Man 2, it looks like.

Ensemble casts don't always work though (Manchester City will testify), but it does here. Mainly because they stick to a simple formula and don't try to sell the whole package as anything it isn't. The Expendables isn't trying to touch you or move you emotionally, unless it's invoking a nostalgic, ironic smile, but it delivers magnificently as a movie about a group of good guys going after a bunch of bad guys. Nothing too complicated, and with more than enough bits that make you go "Oooh".

Probably wouldn't watch it again, but more than happy I did watch it at all.

Probably...

I'd say it was better than Predators, which I liked, but not nearly as good as Inception, which was brilliant. Hard to give a number to it, but I'd recommend The Expendables to anyone who's ever enjoyed an action movie.

What The Fish

Somewhat mixed day, to say the least. Started out relaxed, and then rushed, and an unforeseen emergency - are there any other kinds? - before a long series of drives. 28 Days Later and Hook have always and perhaps will always be favorites for separate reasons, and the company was nice to a large degree.

On the drive back from Bukit Panjang, with Heart for company, I was quite excited to have a batch of tuna sandwiches for a late meal.Came home, though, looking forward to that one thing and one thing only, only to have it dashed.

No more tuna. Not the kind I wanted, at least.

Yeah, not exactly the worst news I received today, nor was it earth-shattering in any shape or form.

So I thought to myself, OK, there are other kinds of tuna spread things. They'd do, right?

I sat there, munching on what I had to settle for, and even an unseen episode of Mythbusters wasn't enough to curb the dissatisfaction.

Hate to settle, though some say when you're not left with anything else, that's all you can do.

But then why do it, why do anything at all, when you won't even be happy with the outcome?

So here I am, exhausted yet unable to get to sleep, annoyed with myself more than anything, if only because I can't have what I want the most, and settling for anything else seems even worse than not getting anything at all.

Hooked

Walk Away

Movie lines still echo
True even today
Watching, waiting, hoping so
Things will go my way

Sometimes each day

I catch myself still

Thinking of ways

To change how she feels

A blazing sky
And hopping birds
Never a lie
Within the words

Cloudy defeat
And rainy walks
Used to just meet
And stare and talk

Across the water
Hair in my face
And still I hear her
Another time and place

Surprised one night
A phone call that came
Her eyes so bright
Walking down the lane

Beaches and parks
And five-hour talks
Darwin and sharks
Colored stalks

Humbling, she whispered
That she didn't expect
And why, I wonder
What we want we don't get

Walk away if she asked
The promise I made
But only at last
Were those words said

Though if ever there were
A memory I'll keep
The visions of her
That still haunt my sleep

I bothered. Did you?

Man Utd: Pre-Season Perspectives

With the Community (Charity, dammit) Shield less than 24 hours away, the English football season is looking to be another tight affair. I talked about what I thought about 2009/10 already, so let's take a look at what's in store, especially for Man Utd.

The biggest thing that everyone looks at, more often than not, is the impact of transfers in and out of a club. The Red Devils haven't made quite the same impact as they have in years gone by, and have largely been overshadowed by the other Manchester team (again) in this department this season. I've always been a fan of David Silva, and to see him in Eastlands rather than wearing the ugly United kit irritates me. Same thing with Torres till this day, both of whom United were supposedly coveting for so long. Other names to have been strongly linked include Mesut Ozil, Stefan Defour and Wesley Sneijder, all of whom would have been killer acquisitions in my opinion. They're all staying put though, apparently. Still, we bagged Chris Smalling and Javier Hernandez, who had a very impressive World Cup and has scored three goals (I think) since returning from the land of the vuvuzela.

I like Hernandez, and watched him very closely while playing for Mexico. His pace and movement is top notch, though one of his goals did come against an admittedly piss-poor France side just asking to be slaughtered. His lobbed goal against the MLS All-Star side also displays his composure and technique, and with Ferguson suggesting a partnership with Rooney, prospects look good. Of course, I said the same for the Rooney-Berbatov partnership (which I still believe in, if only Ferguson would use the Bulgarian better), so we'll see. I could be wrong, as I've been in the past! I wonder what this means for Michael Owen and (more importantly) Federico Macheda though. As it stands, I'm thinking that Rooney is the obvious first choice, with Berbatov and Hernandez vying for a starting place (if there is room at all for a second striker), with Macheda being next in line. Lost Ben Foster, who I think was just nervy and unlucky, but Van Der Sar at 40 is still miles ahead of him anyway.

The rest of the team looks solid, back to front. If Ferdinand stays fit, Rio and United are looking at a backline that includes the ever-imposing Vidic (who will get sent off against Liverpool), the underrated O'Shea, new kid Smalling, veteran Gary Neville and one of the world's best left backs, Patrice Evra. Ashley Cole and a few others might contend that, but I still stand by Evra, French fiasco aside. I'm also a huge fan of the Da Silva twins, and hope that they both get more time this season, even as wingers perhaps. Not big on Wes Brown though. Scholes and Giggs will be used sparingly again, but last season has shown that they've still got the touch, if not the legs to change a game. Park Ji-Sung, Fletcher and Valencia always impress, and Nani is still an enigma to me, choosing to be Cristiano Ronaldo one week and Luke Chadwick another. Wonder about Possebon's chances. Gibson will get more time as well, though Carrick's future looks bleak to me. Hopefully Anderson will stay out of car wrecks and Hargreaves eventually gets off the doctor's table.

Here's what I'm looking at for the 25-man League Squad, off the top of my head:
Van Der Sar, Kuszczak, Neville, O'Shea, Brown, Evra, Ferdinand, Vidic, Scholes, Giggs, Fletcher, Nani, Park, Valencia, Gibson, Carrick, Anderson, Rooney, Berbatov, Hernandez, Owen, Hargreaves (22)

U21 players include: Rafael, Fabio, Obertan, Smalling, Macheda, Welbeck, De Laet, Possebon

What about the rest? Liverpool got Joe Cole, which is fantastic news for them, even if Ferguson said no one available "excited him". I've always been a huge fan of him, and I think him, Jovanonic and Hodgon will give the Kop a much better season than the last, though that's admittedly easy. Fabregas staying at Arsenal and the addition of Chamakh is also fantastic news for the Gunners though they're still threadbare at the back with less-than-inspiring goalkeepers. Why not move for Akinfeev or something? Man City will collapse, I hope, Milner or no. I like Villa, Everton and Spurs so I'm hoping they all have great seasons, and they look like they have the personnel to do it. Young, Agbonlahor, Kranjcar, Modric, Sandro, Cahill, Arteta, Pienaar and Rodwell are all fantastic players, all of whom I'd love to see playing for United. Chelsea are of course the probably favorites again, but losing Ballack, Deco, Cole and Belletti for Benayoun and maybe Ramires is tough, though the four of them aren't nearly as important as, say, a returning Michael Essien.

I'm optimistic for the future in terms of what it has in store for United, though. I'm picking Chelsea to lift the Shield at Wembley, but hoping that United finish top of the league, with the Blues nowhere close. In a perfect world, Villa, Spurs and Everton would complete the top four, but I see the "order" restored one way or another, though one of the three have a decent chance of pipping Arsenal or Liverpool (if they implode). And there's Man City. I'm personally happy to see Newcastle back, but here's to hoping an opening day defeat!

Community Shield prediction: Chelsea 2-1 Man Utd

E-Mail

Friend of a friend asked about school. As I wrote the reply, I realized it was even more awesome than I remember.


Hi there,

Fang Xun mentioned you'd contact me, heh.

Going to New York is actually rather common, and an avenue taken by many who can afford it. Any student of UB-SIM (or SIM-UB, depending on who you're asking) is eligible to go to the New York campus after fulfilling a few simple criteria, almost always in August for the Fall Semester.

Here's where I should explain the semester system.

Spring Semester: January - April

Summer Semester: May - August

Fall Semester: September - December

So you can see, school holidays are almost non-existent; typically the longest "break" period is in late December (exams are sometimes during the first week of December) to early or mid January.

Back to going to New York proper, as I said, a lot of people do that, and almost everyone enjoys it immensely. Most go for two semesters (Fall and Spring) or just one, though under most circumstances, SIM students studying abroad (in New York) are a rarity since the "Summer Semester" is usually vacation time for the yanks.

I was supposed to go in January 2010, for the Spring Semester, but because of the, uh, tense political climate now, my being a male Muslim with military training played against me and I was denied entry to the States. People are fuming about it to this day.

The single degree program is nine semesters long (three years) for most students. If you fail or drop anything (or are a Business major taking up specific concentrations/courses) it might be a little longer. A double major or double degree (they're different) program might take longer than that - up to a year perhaps. That being said, you can finish a double major course in three years or less as well.

A Level students are eligible to certain waivers in terms of course and subject obligations, and most of them are pretty straightforward. Any A-Level graduate who has passed any of Biology, Chemistry, Literature, C Maths or has scored at least a B for Economics will be waived at least a few modules, and that saves you a pretty nice amount of money since the billing is calculated per-credit.

I've actually graduated already, at more or less the same time as Fang Xun, and if this E-Mail sounds like I'm selling the institution, know that it's with good reason. I've said before, and will gladly say again, that "screwing up my A levels and ending up in UB is the best thing that's happened to me." It's made me into the person I am today, more than anything else has, and I am sincerely glad I made that choice.

The thing you'll hear most is how the "American system" affords everyone a rich and different atmosphere compared to the more "traditional" institutes, and I firmly believe and am thankful for that. Especially in the Communications degree program, everyone is allowed and encouraged to be vocal, develop interpersonal skills, develop a responsible work ethic and work in groups. The teachers rarely - if ever - spoon-feed you information; rather everyone is expected to be proactive and take the initiative. This is actually a big change for almost everyone, and more often than not a culture shock. But I feel it adds a lot to your character and the way you're able to function singly or in a team.

Lesson structure is diverse, depending entirely on the instructor (many of whom are from UB itself, or an associated institution). Some are rather straightforward Quiz-Paper-Exam kinds of subjects, but there are some modules with no exams at all, and your grade is assessed entirely on a bunch of presentations or even class participation. In almost every case, the exam(s) isn't worth more than 30% of the final grade anyway, and I've taken a class where the exam was worth only 7% of the final score. Yep, seven. Everyone is also supposed to take courses in writing, history, music, psychology, sociology, philosophy, and science. Most of them are highly enjoyable.

Of course, it isn't an easy ride all the way. As Fang Xun (I sometimes call her Sally) will attest to, some of the modules and/or instructors are frustratingly difficult.

The biggest worry (other than cost) that most people will have is the fact that "a degree from SIM won't be recognized". From my personal experience, that's kind of rubbish. I can easily name a heckload of UB graduates who are now working in very reputable companies in the fields of media, journalism, advertising, PR, events, and just about everything else. Besides, the degree doesn't even say SIM!

The people you meet in UB (if you do decide to enroll) will come from all walks of life. I've taken classes and done projects with fresh O Level students (like Fang Xun), NUS degree holders, working mothers, part-time bartenders, Singapore Idol contestants, models, athletes, dancers, writers, artists, locals, foreigners from Malaysia, Indonesia, Russia, Austria, and everything in between. Of course, you'll also run into drama-queens, back-stabbers, freeloaders and general buffoons, but then you find them everywhere.

Many who have graduated from UB have wonderful things to say about their time there, and often with good reason. "I miss UB" is something I hear a lot nowadays.

If you're seriously considering doing a degree there, I'd say you're on the verge of making a great decision.

Regards,

Naz

Dice rolled, ball passed. Your move.

Not gonna let me let myself down anymore.

Walk in the Park

Am still sore and aching from close to no rest since football on Friday. Now hungry too. Keep losing track of thoughts and things, it annoys me. Need my hours filled, but need some time to just slow down too. A paradox, and an irritating one.

But I'm irritable.

Different People

"But I'm a million different people from one day to the next..."

I love that song. Lately, I've been talking to some people I either hadn't talked to in a long time, or at all before. The frequency of talking to some others who I have been talking to regularly have also lessened, and for that I am really sad about.

A long time ago, a young and lonely kid called a girl on her birthday, telling her how he felt for her. Truth be told, the words he uttered were probably a little melodramatic, but they grew into truth eventually. They saw the world evolve around them, and each other grow into different people. The problem was that they remained in love with what they were before and not who they became and continued to become.

It's a common situation, listening to some people talk, even if it sounds basic. But why?

We all have our ideals, of course. That's a given. But what I guess many don't see is that we also often form our own idealized perceptions of certain people. I'm guilty of that. Especially so. While perspective is important, it's also at least equally important to be able to recognize that things aren't what you want them to be, but what they are. People change.

Not totally, though.

More than one person has told (warned?) me about how they're apparently different people as friends and as partners or significant others. Really? Why?

If your partner is your friend - even your best friend - then why is this so?

To me, if that happens you got to look at the situation you're in. If you're different people with different people, perhaps you should ask yourself which person you prefer. We're all in control of our destinies, even if that locus of control sometimes seems to be in the hands of other parties like our folks, employers or the like. You can choose who you want to be, can't you? What's the point in making any decisions if you can't?

When the kid was with the girl he grew up with, he started growing up himself. After some time, he realized that there was more to life than being a quiet boy that played chess and Fifa 99 all day over a crappy dial up modem. He could meet friends who weren't the girl's, and that he actually wanted to be someone else. The girl was, and still is, a fantastic person. They were happy, truly. But he wasn't him.

It's hard being who you're not, tiring and trying.

Eventually, things got out of hand, and the weariness and other things combined to break them apart. Good choice? Right now it seems that way, though the memories are still very much treasured.

So now the kid is a little older, hopefully somewhat wiser. He's become someone else, as have we all. Right now that kid and the girl have become people they never thought they'd become, I'm sure. Having seen, said and done things that neither expected even a few years ago, one wonders what the future holds.

I'm All Write

When I'm upset, bored, pensive, lost, I write. I like to write. I'd like to think I do it pretty well, though I won't fool myself (or anyone else) by saying I'm damn good at it, and am better than most.

Still, I find it helps. Sometimes by putting things down in words it's very cathartic, and sometimes it just distracts you from whatever's on your mind.

I know it's weird to say that, since for so many (that I know, at least), writing involves thinking. Sometimes it does, of course, but often times my stuff involves very little brain work.

Hence the rambling, error-rich and nonsensical nature of the majority of my posts.

It's hard when you can't write everything though.

A Journey

Drove a long, long way today. Restless hearts sleep alone tonight.

Good day, I think. Maybe. Not sure. Hold on to that feeling.

OMG

"You won't save him?"
"It's ok, God will save him."

This entry probably won't sit too well with some who frequent this space, but then I'm not exactly known for bending over for others. Not gonna mention names, but read on at your peril.

As a stupid, younger, chubbier, less hairy version of myself, I used to go to a religious school/class after "normal" school, twice a week. This was a run-down building, moss-covered and with carpets smelling like old people and old people smelling like carpets. Didn't help that the said old people were the ones running the joint, and they sought to impart their glorious wisdom onto the younger and open-minded generation. Which included my sister and I.

First thing? It was all in Malay. Big obstacle and turn off right there. I kid you not when I say that half the time I had no clue what was going on, and to say that I was going through the motions is being more accurate than the actual phrase suggests. What, God can't understand English? That's bullshit

Didn't help, of course, that most of the students there, looking back, were just shorter and squeakier versions of the tapered-jeans floater-cap mats that you see prowling around, looking for corners to commandeer. Didn't really fit in. They knew it, I knew it, and it was painfully obvious to this chubby Chinese-looking boy that the other very Melayu boys weren't gonna actively invite him to play football with them.

But what of the lessons, the teachings from the sacred texts that have guided our lives thus far? The experience through the years at Muhammadiyah, "private" mengaji lessons at home with neighbors, and even somewhat enforced group sessions with my extended family or former significant other only reinforced the idea incepted (I had to, sorry) so long ago.

Organized religion is a farce, at best, and Islam might be the joke of the lot.

Advocates of the Islamic way will point at the "advancements" that the culture has brought to the world in terms of technology, mathematics, architecture, music, art and other aspects of life, and I for one cannot and will not dispute or refute that. Certainly. But then almost every culture or religion has brought good and bad to the table we sit at now. I'm not even going to start on the whole terrorist angle, because that's really over-hyped in the media already, and I could go on and on and on about the atrocities committed in the name of any religion even without saying what I wanted to originally.

In this day and age, one of the biggest facets of Islam that disturb me the most is the way women are treated. We've all seen and made jokes about ninjas when seeing Muslim women dressing up like tents, and to be honest, I laugh almost every time even though I'm (technically) Muslim as well. Why? Because it's ridiculous to treat them like that, and they - man and woman alike - are jokes. The fact that France have banned the burka (or burqa?) and other countries are seriously looking to do the same might enrage the clerics and zealots that wish to see the flowing ninja robes of the women, but honestly, in the sweltering heat of summer (or the eternal summer of Singapore), would you actually want to don such a get up? I can't even wear a songkok for an hour without wanting to rip it off and burn it while doing a merry jig. Muslim women are treated as subordinates, at best, and are otherwise seen as lesser beings. That's bullshit.

Then there's the thing that got me thinking about it all in the first place. I can't even remember who told me this, but since then I've been told that it's more common across other religions than I previously thought as well; that anyone who is not a Muslim will burn in hell for all eternity, and those who are, whoever they may be, will transcend to heaven eventually. For the sake of functionality, one can substitute "Muslim" with something like "Christian" or whatever for the same effect, but you get my picture. You've heard it before. So my aged ustazah is trying to tell me that right now at this very moment in time, people like Mother Theresa and Princess Diana are being slow-roasted while rapists, pillagers and plunderers are enjoying their time up there because they glanced at the Arabic version of the Bible? That's bullshit.

See that's the other thing that got me thinking. Yes, I over-think. The three Abrahamic religions are too similar for any of them to be the "true" one, in my mind. Of course, one can argue that one is the real thing and the other two are cheap knock-offs, but it's just as, if not more likely that they're just three strikingly similar interpretations of the same hand-written and Man-written book originally penned as a way to control the masses with stories of doom and a higher power. Adam and Eve? Check. Noah and the flood? Check. Crucifixion? Check. Angels and demons? Check, even before Dan Brown. Even the names are the same. Adam, Nuh, Jibril, Mikhail correspond to Adam (duh), Noah, Gabriel and Michael exactly. And that's just off the top of my unlearned head. That's bullshit.

Everyone has the divine right (ironically) to live their lives the way they should. I get that, accept that, advocate and encourage that. It's just that when religion enters the picture, or is shoved down your throat by overzealous preachers (some priests shove other things down your throats, right?) and bigots, more often than not that freedom of will is forfeit. You're not letting those women be free. You're not letting congregates accept people with differing views as actual people, you're not even trying to be that different when ostracizing the rest of the world. That's bullshit.

Epiphany

Lately I've been doing nothing I've promised to do, and doing exactly the opposite. To some of those I've hurt or wronged, I'm sorry. Very much so.

I'll make it up to you.

Of course, if you don't get anything after thinking this is to you, you're probably not some of those people. Tough.

Regrets

Wrote this a while back, but never finished it until tonight.

Done a lot of things in the past year or so. Good things, bad things, big things, stupid things.
I don't regret all the bad or stupid things I've done, seeing as how "bad" and "stupid" are all relative anyway. Some might argue differently, but then everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
I don't regret not telling certain people certain things. Even if they knew already.
I don't regret telling certain people certain things. They deserved to know. Even if they knew already.
I don't regret taking the time and effort to be a productive part of the school. Many thought it a waste, but I didn't.
I don't regret not being able to go to New York. Things worked out better this way.
I don't regret walking away from some people. Had to be done, and it should have been done sooner in some instances.
I don't regret cutting people off. After everything that's been said and done.
I don't regret spending a ridiculous amount of time on football and writing non-academic material. Looks like it got me a sweet ESPN gig.
I don't regret studying in an institution classed outside the "Top Three" in Singapore. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.
I don't regret getting involved with a few people. Except one.
I don't regret the friends I've made and kept.
I don't regret going down a road that promised only disappointment, because it gave more than that.
I don't regret being who I am, even if I sometimes wish that person was good enough for others.
I don't regret being "gutsy" and honest and even sneaky, with weirdly colored letters.
I don't regret the tough decisions.
I don't regret being slapped in public.
I don't regret spending obscene amounts of time and money on certain people.
I don't regret any of what I've written or drawn, even if some think otherwise.


"What if you could wake up tomorrow morning and not like her that much anymore?"


"Not be in love with her anymore? A huge part of me wants that, wishes it could be true. But I don't think I want to."


"Why? It's making you so sad now"


"Because I don't regret falling for her, as pointless and painful as it's been. She's made me happier than I can remember, and I'll never regret that."


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"I hope you understand what that means."


"I do, but I'm sorry, I can't be who you want me to be."


"I know. I want you to be you, but mine. You can't be both. That's one thing I do regret."

Mood

Not good. And not helping. Screw it all.
Said something a couple of nights ago I regret, though it feels true again.
Someone mentioned how I seem to have so many secrets, or at least know so many. Perhaps they're both true. Maybe I should let some out. Maybe some are more obvious than you might think, too.

Conversations

"Maybe you can change her mind again?"


"I've tried to, for months, and almost every night I go to bed very sad."


"Why?"


"Because everyday since this has begun I've tried to show her that if she'll give me a chance, I can make her happier than she wants to be, and everyday she tells me not to."


"She doesnt know how lucky she is."


"It's different from the other girls before her, no one has made me want to bother or try as much."


"What makes her so special? I'm curious."


"For the longest time, since I started thinking about girls, at least, I've had this girl in my head or dreams. No name or face. Just her character, personality, other things. Everyone before fit that image a little, but had a lot of things which didn't match at all. Then she came along, and the more I got to know her the more I saw she was that girl I've always dreamt of."

The Greatest Show on Earth

Frog-chaser, rain-singer
Bird-watcher, star-gazer
House-gawker, shoe-hunter
Word-weaver, smile-stealer

Walk-taker, blog-stalker
Time-bender, rule-breaker
Dream-hider, back-cracker
Song-catcher, heart-breaker

Surprise, Surprise

It was a good day. A great day. Food, company, games, weather, music.
Keep waking up hoping that things will fall into place, but it only seems to fall apart.
Been putting off celebrating my birthday with my oldest friends just to be stupid, and while everyone around is telling me that I should stop, seems that nobody realizes why I can't.
Playing with a little kid was fun, probably the highlight of it all.
Got smacked in the face with a frisbee today, and it wasn't nearly the hardest hit I received.

"I'm sorry."


"Not as sorry as I am. In my head, I see us together, happy. Getting past the obvious difficulties. I see you as the person I want to be with more than anything, more than anyone else. I see a future. I see the girl who makes me happy, I see my best friend. I see the one I'd wait for as long as I know there's something to wait for. My inspiration, my reason for trying, why I bother doing anything. I see you, in my head. All the time."


"I'm really very sorry, I don't know what else I can say."


"Me neither, so I'll leave it at that."