Backspace

I have a tendency to start writing and not finis –

Yeah.

It'd be awesome, I guess, to be able to just hit backspace in real life and redo things.

Right?

I'm gonna write this entry and not hit backspace at all.

I'm at a point in my life where th that seems wide open. Big things happening all around, and som most times it seems that I'm barely aware of the very things that are most important, or should be the most important to me. Most day hou of the time I catch myself tinking about things I shouldn't be thinking of like that amazingly annoying YOG song instead of things that people tell me I should. Are they right? Maybe. Probably.

So here I am, right, at this point, this chapter of a my the story, where whatever comes next seems like a big mystery questi unknown clusterfu voi unknown. A long time ago, A while back, I wrote about how we all live and write the stories of our lives. Of course, I now realize that I also referenced that in a much more recent entry, so just bear stay with me.

Every story has a start, a beginning and an end. Pretty simple, straightforward and duh. Once upon a time, we had something.

What most people don't see or understand though, is that often times you don't know if something is the beginning or the end of the story. I'm not even talking about "the end is the beginning is the end" or a ra anything else. Just that sometimes you've got to catch yourself and stop to take a look at things, put things in perspective.

Sometimes you've got to ask yourself if it's all worth it, if it things are going the way you want them to, and if you need to change anything. If you want to change anything. If you can even change anything. Not always the case, of course. Plenty of hopeless situations, though there are probably more seemingly hopeless ones that than genuine ones.

What about me? Do you wanna know about me? Probably. That's why you're here, right? I wish you were here.

I spend most of my time distracted, or trying to distract myself. When I think about that in itself, I begin to wonder if which one is more true or accurate. Lately it's been harder and harder to stay distracted, or to keep myself distracted from tha what's been keeping me up at night or and what's been on my mind the most. If you've been reading this space, or and if you're at least half rational an or able to see certain things or read between the lines, you might know what I'm talking about.

Asked myself what's going on. A love for music is something I really loved in her.

Someone el Three people have recently said that they're surprised at "this side of me" or that they "didn't know this side of Naz existed".

Neither did I. Neither did you.

But I'm not sure how I feel about that. Would I want t Done a few things I might have not under different circumstances, and not ta totally regretted them. Would I have mashed the backspace key given the chance? I'm still not sure. As it is, this entry looks like what things are now. Pieces of nonsense flying in different directions, and messy as hell.

There's still something there, though. Always has, always will.

Loose Change

Only people you should change for are those who love you the way you are.

That's what I've always believed.

And in the past few months I can count on one hand the number of times I've dropped the F-bomb.

Made the effort to be around people I wouldn't normally entertain, or layan.

Stopped speeding.

Spending money on Bird Park in the rain. Spontaneous Night Safari adventure.

Braving the weather in less-than-convenient attire.

Going to Jurong at least once a week, not for football.

Went on shopping trips and looked for obscure books.

Started to love Class 95. And now can't listen to it.

Even grew out the hair. She said she liked the hair longer.

Not good enough though.

It's a funny thing that, change.

Extreme cliché to call it the constant, when some people never do, but yet there it is.

Staring at many of us in the face, while other race towards it, purposefully or otherwise. Sometimes things change when you least expect them, sometimes not the way you want or hope or pray for. Sometimes people change. Situations change. Times and places change.

Someone once said to me, as I sat there with her under the stars by the water,

"You're not the Naz I knew from before."

Maybe she's right, or maybe people never really change, it's just that you realize the way they really are, and the penny drops as that understanding hits.

Of course, maybe it's all nothing, since I'm often accused of over-thinking things, of being over-analytical and looking too deeply into things.

Perhaps it's all just nonsense, ramblings, garbage, from someone missing sleep and food. And you.

But right now I'd give anything to have things the way there were when all I worried about was what the next colored flower would be. Or the best way to get home from Serangoon by bus.

Missing Something

She doesn't know, or doesn't care, that some of the things she's said recently have hurt me more than anything ever has.

Says I think too much, but that's all I have right now. Thoughts and memories.

Says her eyes are watering, she's so tired. I'm tired too, and so are mine.

Says we're fine, we're cool, and nothing's changed. Feels like she's drifting away.

Says things are the same. But she's wrong.

Said once it would have worked in another time and place. Times and places have changed, she's still right there.

Still here though, maybe stupidly. And it feels like I'm a different person to her now.

Probably not as pandai as she says I am. I don't know what to do anymore.

Just wish I could see her and believe in something again.

Questions

"I don't want people asking questions."

I've been asking them all this time. Afraid of the answers.

"How are things?"

"Not great, but that's expected."

"Damn."

"Not gonna give up, though."

"That's good, fight for your happiness."

Or else what else is there to fight for?

Weekend

Just had an interesting cab ride home where it seemed like the driver was high on something. Like a hyperactive bunny on crack.

Been having crazy late nights recently, and working just about every day as well. Fun, though I've lost track of days, and had to repeatedly turn down meeting the people most important to me. Hopefully things change soon, since I have an off day scheduled soon, along with rotating shifts so I work the earlier one and don't see myself in the (admittedly cool and fun) office until past midnight.

So after work today (yesterday?), packing up and flagging a cab, I was feeling pretty good about myself. One more day to a day of no work after all, and that's always fun, right? Walk out onto Lorong Chuan, within sight of SGPS, and there are three cabs waiting right there. Reject the Merc, even with the ability to be reimbursed the cab fare. Step then into the first "normal" cab and settle into the back seat.

"Uncle, Kembangan?"

"Can, can. You want go by highway or small road?"

"Small roads can. Hougang or Paya Lebar."

"Can can. Working here ah?"

"Yep."

"Wah, so late ah."

"Yep, this month quite crazy."

"Oh you at ESPN one ah?"

"Yep."

"Watch World Cup one ah?"

"Yep."

"Wah, this World Cup that Singtel very esspensive haw?"

In my sleepy state, I almost thought he was calling the telecommunications company an overpriced prostitute, though to most that wouldn't be far from the truth.

"Oh, yeah."

"Ya, yesterday that England oso, make me lose money haw."

"Heh, I don't think they are that good."

"Ya haw."

Have to try to resist a chuckle here.

"Heskey is useless."

"Aiyah that Heskey ah like a monkey haw. Then this Slovenia la, Slovakia la, Croatia la, Africa la, all cannot match haw? England only scared of Holland la, Argentina la, Germany la, Brazil la, Spain la, Italy la, Portugal la…"

At this point I have Inner Circle's Sweat ringing in my head.

"France is also quite bad."

"Aiyah that France haw, also lousy la haw? The Hand-ree oso now lousy haw."

"Yep."

"Then that Maradona haw, also siao one haw. And Ahjentina haw, oso cannot play liddat. Messi one person cannot haw."

"Yep."

"Rooney oso haw, so good but the rest of the team haw, lousy haw? But Capello clever haw? Bring all the friend. The Chelsea la, the Man Yew la, the Tor-turn-ham la, the Liverpool la."

"Yep."

"But Liverpool now so lousy ah. Good oso that Benitez go away. But maybe now that Gerrard and the Torres oso go haw."

"Yep."

"Wah I watch the match yesterday haw –"

"You subscribed to – "

"No la. So esspensive haw. My house there can get Malaysia one. You know right?"

"Yep."

"Braddel there. That Singtel ah, just like this gahment. So esspensive. You see, even the taxi also go up haw. But you can claim right?"

"Yep."

Here I begin to run out of ways to say yep. Thankfully, we're almost at Kembangan.

"Wah I tell you, haw, nowadays very hot."

"Mhmm."

Had to say something different. Whip out my phone in the hope someone calls. Unlikely. No.

"So tomorrow work haw?"

"Yep. Uncle can turn here, thank you. Then left right at the end."

"Turn right ah?"

"Left, left."

I realize my error and wonder why it's never been noticed before.

"Straight haw."

"Yep."

And home, and the weekend is GONE. Wow. I'm still coming to terms with the way everything is changing, but at least weird experiences on public transport will always be a constant. Should really be headed to bed, getting some sleep, but even with everything going on, some things (other than public transport) stay the same, even as I want other things to change.

I realize I sound less than coherent, I blame work and taxi drivers. And excess Thai food.

Rambling

So lately I've been dealing with a lot of things. Already mentioned work a couple of times and I've been spending the past couple of days planted in front of a Mac learning how to use Final Cup Pro for future video editing use. Still prefer Windows, even with its bugs and glitches and other nonsense, though I have to say I'm a huge fan of that function where you display all active windows and applications. I have no idea what that's called.

The World Cup starts in a few days, and just about every football fan will have their own opinions on how they see the tournament shaping up. I'll have my own too, of course, just not right now. Also since it's part of my job scope, I'd think that it'll be an interesting tournament, above all else.

But work and football aside, I've found myself more and more distracted lately.

No prizes for guessing what by, if you've been paying attention. I know some of you have.

I've always believed that it's very important to do what makes you happiest, to reach out and take what you believe does that to you. That's fair, isn't it?

But you don't always get what you want, that's the way it is as well. What then?

Do you ignore the setback, the obstacle, the impossible, and look for another way to make things work, to move past what's in your way, try and overcome whatever that problem might be?

Or do you instead take a step back and settle for what makes you happy instead of what makes you happiest?

A dangerous, tragic thing, that. And what kind of happiness is that where you know that you're missing out on what you really want?

Make no mistake. I'm not saying I'm depressed or (totally) broody or just plain emo. I'm just looking thinking aloud, or something.

Somebody told me once that she's selfish, after asking me an important question. Brought me back to a conversation we had a century ago, about how everyone was selfish. How everyone did things for themselves. How each and every individual is their own person, working towards their dreams and their goals and their desires.

Just have to realize though, that by going after what you believe makes you happiest, you set yourself up for everything but.

Then you got to ask yourself if that happiness is really worth all that.

And if it is, go for it.

No matter what.

Moon and Back

Head in the clouds on a night that was too much so.

Glittery stars only seen behind looming columns of marble and stone.

Detour to an old haunt with a new twist and a familiar face.

Probing questions under pensive circumstances.

A thoughtful look, things said unsaid.

And back again.

Tomorrow

It's been an interesting few days, with work and all. Most of the people who are considerate/unfortunate enough to pay attention to my being a social media butterfly would have known by now that I've been lucky enough to land a pretty fun gig at ESPN Star Sports as a production assistant. It's weird thinking about actually being part of the working community, and to be honest I never thought I'd enter the workforce this soon, or be lucky enough to get paid rating F1 crashes, among other things.

The people there are pretty nice too. Met a number of TV people, and have actually been working across Paula Malai Ali and with Sanjeev Palar the past couple of days. The interview itself was conducted by someone who's been on TV as well, and no, I have not met Jamie Yeo yet. But everyone seems friendly and funny. Fascinating at times.

Fact that there is no actual dress code helps, sure. Dressed all snazzy on Monday, leather shoes and all, but went to work in faded jeans and a T-shirt today. I've gone to school dressed better. No complaints, of course, and today I saw a dude come in berms and slippers. Hmm. Still like the shirts though.

Yet every day I find myself wanting more. Maybe I'm greedy. To many degrees I know I am. Not in a good way too, most times. Crazy and gutsy too, maybe.

Each day brings with it something new to learn at the workplace, somewhere I'm lucky enough to combine my passion for (some) sports and a growing interest in the media. Still, I find myself distracted most of the time, glancing at my phone on the table, taking a few moments to quote some useless fragment of an overheard conversation to try and make someone laugh, or hoping that by the end of the day, I can get off the train a little earlier and say hi.

There's tomorrow though. Tomorrow, tomorrow.

Hi.