I'll Be There For You

So The Rembrandts repeated every time before we started watching the best half-hour sitcom ever made. But what does it mean to be a friend? The implications and obligations, complications and connotations, the measure and meaning of friendship itself?

Before I start, and perhaps you've already thought to yourself by now, what do I know about being a friend? I can name a fair number of people who would probably think I'm a poor example, but then I could probably say the same about them.

One often expects the most from those considered a "friend", and perhaps that's justified. Of everyone you would have any expectations for, the ones you hold in the highest regard should by default be expected of highly as well. And if you don't look at your friends that way, why call them such?

But then isn't it also true that you shouldn't expect anything from a bond or relationship such as that? One borne of trust, respect and - for lack of a better word - love? You shouldn't expect something given in return, a transactional model, but one is content in knowing that your friends have your interests and happiness at heart.

Of course, it all sounds sickeningly idealistic, and in most cases that's hardly the case.

I know people who have been accused of "collecting friends", who makes little effort to get to know any one of their so-called friends after seeming to establish that they are, beyond any doubt, friends. Strange and contradictory, yes, but the antics of most girls usually are. I know of those that would give heartfelt and tear-streaked promises, whispered in the ears of those supposedly dear, and appear to forget the oaths when out of sight. Out of mind, perhaps. People who would undercut or simply cheat other "friends" out of their money. Some who might take full use of any relationship with anyone simply for the sake of convenience, treating others as one might a hired (and poorly-paid) chauffeur.

But then I also know those who would go out of their way to make sure that a friend is happy or stays happy. People who might quietly and stoically give up something they want to improve the situation of someone they care about. Those who expect nothing in return and in truth, sometimes get nothing in return. Friends who would expend much even if they don't spend much, those who make it seem like making the effort is effortless.

But it's hardly effortless.

A friendship, or any kind of relationship is something that takes time and energy to grow and maintain. Nothing new there, of course. But what many don't realize is that the way one quantifies or qualifies the resources put into that relationship lacks any universal measure.

Am I a good friend because I twice cancelled on seeing a girl I was seeing (dating?) because a friend was upset and needed to talk? Am I a good friend for picking someone up and driving them home, both out of my way, because they were sick? Am I a good friend for dropping my own work to help someone else write a Psychology paper, seeing as how I was more versed in the subject matter? What about the times I have simply not bothered with people who have bothered? Or when I have ditched a friend for a date? Or the number of times I have pretended to be "Busy" or "Away" online to avoid talking to people who would call themselves my "friends"?

But then there are different "friends" to different people, and the concept of friendship itself is vague, at best, perhaps. There are those I have barely seen in a year, and yet who I'd do almost anything for. Those I spend more time with than most but who I don't care much for. And all of this changes. This flux often throws people into disarray, and many don't understand it. I know I don't.

Two different people recently spoke of how they feel a wedge between them and either an individual or a group of friends. I have to say, I know how they feel. Not a lot of advice I can give them, for how can anyone outside and uninvolved ever hope to understand the complexities and intricacies of any friendship? You could spend years looking at two people, two friends, and still be surprised when they eventually and suddenly fall apart from each other. Or is that so surprising?

I've had to reconsider and reevaluate who means what to me. Not an easy or pleasant experience. I wrote earlier of a transactional model, and of expectations, likening a friendship to a business, almost. While that's a harsh and unfeeling analogy, and one I disagree with, there are aspects of it that ring true.All in all, I guess, sometimes you have to cut your losses. You know or you'll know if someone is a friend, and if you want to be a friend to someone. No point being a "friend" of, or to someone if they're not a friend to you.