Fairy Tale

With the release of another Shrek movie – am I the only person that thinks that the 3D version of a movie would have been marketed better if it were the third, rather than the fourth movie? – and McDonald's questionable tie-in with the strangely successful franchise, fairy-tales are on the agenda these days. What exactly is a fairy tale, though? Obviously doesn't only involve fairies per se, but more often than not include magical or incredible characters, items or places. So most Disney stories about princesses fall under the category very obviously, but then so do other stories like a witch living in a candy house or three talking bears sleeping in beds.

I'm not sure what my favorite fairy tale is. Perhaps it's because one of the earliest memories I have of my childhood is how most of the books we had at home were non-fiction. Titles like The Way Things Work or 365 Things to Know or The Great Book of Birds lined my bookshelf more than anything from Aesop or Mother Goose. Not complaining, of course. I loved looking at things like the mechanisms behind the firing of a laser or the similarities in dinosaur and avian skeletal structure or the formation of a white dwarf, rather than the adventures of seven others.

Things don't always have a fairy-tale end, though. Heck, they almost never have a fairy-tale anything, even if you do find yourself the beautiful princess or charming prince. Like fairies themselves, such stories are more often than not just that, stories, designed to address hopes and desires unattainable in most instances.

Like how I said so very long ago, though, stories are an important part of the way life is.

Today marks an important day for the story of my life, I feel. Can't wait for later.

Been doing a lot of thinking lately, though some might argue that I tend to overthink everything anyway. Certain things.

Remembering something that never happened, and how so much has since, is a weird kind of feeling or situation. Looking back at that sentence, I guess it's vague, at best, but have you ever had someone special in your life, someone so dear and who means or meant so much to you and find later that they simply… don't? I'm not talking about breaking up with a significant other, because mutual romantic feelings and relationships are always difficult and pose unique challenges themselves. But how someone can come into your life, share laughter and smiles every day with, and then quite suddenly stop. It's like a character in a story that's been hypnotized or taken over by something or body-snatched by pod-people. And even stranger still, I find myself undisturbed by it, only curious. Someone who knows about the situation asked me last night (this morning?) if I was alright over the whole thing, and I said yes. And I am, though that's a little crazy. But I guess we all are, eh?

Gave the whole situation until the end of today to sort itself out, before I'm closing that chapter. And opening another.

Monday morning sees me starting work for the first time. Not the enforced office-life of NS, or the horrors of giving tuition to slack-eyed boys and mindless zombies for a pittance. No, an actual job. Almost unreal, definitely surreal. I still find it hard to believe at times, and I've had about two weeks to digest it. I remember how I always wanted to be a scientist, growing up. To be precise, I wanted to be an inventor, though I don't think I've ever invented anything, and am not exactly the enterprising or revolutionary sort. But anyway, starting work tomorrow at a huge, multi-national media company, working on something I've always had a passion in. Dream job? Not quite, since there was actually something else I was eyeing, though with this one already in the bag I hope that other gig goes to that other geek.

Looks like I'll be taking the train a lot in the times to come, so maybe this space will be a lot more active. Not as long a ride as other times in the past, but I think we're all in for long rides, and it's just up to each and every one of us to write our own fairy tale endings.

Friends

Not too many sneaky messages in this one, sorry.

I've never been Mr. Popular. Not bitter about it, of course. On the contrary, I've always thought that having a few really good friends was infinitely more rewarding than boasting a congregation of people who claim to be a friend. Looking back, I think I've had my fair share of both, and probably been both to a few people as well.

One of my oldest friends, someone I've known for about twelve years now, only recently spoke about this very same thing to me. Got me thinking, maybe overthinking, but then you're already reading this so you kind of want to know already. I'll go through a few people who I've thought about recently, in no particular order. Maybe you know these people, and maybe not. Maybe I don't, either.

There's someone who I shared everything with, gave everything to. Was really my best friend for the longest time, even if I always knew that I was not that same friend to her, though I was something admittedly "more". I'd still count her as someone I care about, a friend who I would make the effort to help.

Another I met early on in my university life, someone who seemed quiet and low-profile, though nowadays that's hardly a label that could be used. Most times I can't bring myself to bother about this one fellow, and sometimes I find the feeling mutual. Perhaps it's the alcohol.

Someone who I've only really known for less than a year, it seems, though in that time she has shown that she would do so much to maintain what we have, and often times I catch myself taking her for granted. She even gave me a Coke can from Korea, not to mention burgers on my birthday.

A girl I met when I was fourteen or so, so very long ago. A friend of a relative, as well as a friend of someone I fancied. Broke off the ties to both, though the two of us remained sporadic chat-buddies for the better part of a decade, before something unexpectedly blossomed. I probably didn't treat this person as well as she deserved, in the end, though others say otherwise.

One fellow who tends to be present at gatherings that I frequent, though my distaste for him is fairly obvious, and he remains one of the few people I have literally screamed at in public. He calls me obnoxious, and I call him a total idiot. That he's a vandal doesn't help, and I'm not too perturbed if I never see him again.

A person who I cared about, more than anything, for the longest time. Something and nothing happened at the same time, before thousands of miles came between us. Now that the miles are gone it seems like the distance is even greater, and I surprise myself in not being sure how I feel about that.

Somebody I've thought very highly of for a while until recently, having found that he went out of his way to exclude someone else from a gathering of school-mates, hiding that fact from the others. And this after I had gone out of my way not to make him feel any more down. I'm not sure what he is to me right now.

And another I met the first day in Secondary School, before moving on the Junior College together. As the years went by, things have changed, and while our paths have diverged we've always remained close. I think it's fair to say, however, that I haven't made as much effort as he has. I want to change that.

The one who suggested the comics. Don't always agree on everything, including the Apple/Windows debate, but I've never thought of him as anything but a friend, and a good one. Loud, but in a good way. That he is at least as in love with Jessica Alba as I am makes it easier to manage, of course.

Someone who should stick to goalkeeping, unfortunately a Liverpool fan, though that allows me to ridicule him incessantly. Shared countless trips home together, and he actually apologized to me about not being a good friend. It should be the other way around. Something else I need, and want, to fix.

The one who you can hear swearing from the next room. Haven't always seen eye-to-eye, and I recently found that there were a few things about me she couldn't really stand. I hope I'm able to mend those bridges, though the cat-food looks like a good sign. Thanks.

The person who gets bullied and teased about what people say are her small eyes. Not even sure how we got close, though it looks like it will be a while before I can spend time with her again, due to school and work. Sometimes I feel that I don't know too much about her, and I wonder if it's because I haven't bothered. She won't say it, but I think that's the case.

Two long-haired girls who don't talk to me anymore. Honestly, I don't even care, and I wonder why I tried so hard. Good riddance.

Somebody who shares a passion for football and video games, though his insistence on singing Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber drives me up the wall. Still, somebody who I can count on for almost anything, and hopefully that's mutual.

An individual who I've known yet not known until recently. Unsure about what I feel about it, because so many habits the person has annoys me to the point of wanting to throttle her. She thinks I'm insincere and boring, and I don't know what I think of her. Okayyy.

The one with the scary smile, he's offered to try and help with the job-hunting, though I'm happy I was able to get one without the assistance. Much appreciated, however, and though we don't see each other or talk nearly as much as before, I'd call him a good friend.

Someone who I bothered to help out, talk to everyday, when she used to cry all the time because of two foreign guys in school. She said she wouldn't be stupid, and that promise lasted a few minutes. Good achievement, all things considered, and it's not even surprising anymore how it went from wiping away her tears to clicking "Hide" on Facebook. I tried.

The girl who insists on smacking me every chance she gets, though the arrangements (hugs for smacks) has lessened it somewhat. She's not everyone's favorite, but one of mine.

The girl who I only found after knowing her for years. She looks for On the Origin of Species at the bookstore, shares a passion for good music and TV, and squeals when confronted with dogs or cats. I find myself wondering what took me so long to get to where we are. Don't want to let that, or her, go.

There's more, of course. Of the good and the bad. I'm not even going to pretend that I'm in everyone's good books, and that's exactly my point.

Sometimes it's important to think about who it is you want to bother with, and then bother.

2009/2010 Season Review: Man Utd’s Perspective

A couple of ill-thought comments from a disgruntled Arsenal fan inspired this, so bear with me.

Tonight marks the close of the 2009/2010 European football season, and while my interest in the Champions' League final will only last as long as the ice cream and sandwiches do, I think the season in general has been a pretty good one. For a long time now, pundits and personalities have been talking about how the English Premier League campaign this year has been arguably the best one in a while, breaking away from the traditional two horse race between United and either Chelsea, Arsenal or Liverpool. Granted, the Gunners did finish meekly, but there was a period where they looked like serious contenders.

The season was always going to be a tough one for United. Losing two world class players – one of them to your city rivals, as well – is never going to be easy for any side that has prided itself on its attacking flair and tendencies. The losses, coupled with injuries to key players all over the pitch, made the job that much tougher.

Still no excuse, of course. Every team faces its own injury problems, and one will rightly argue that a side with the resources that Old Trafford has (despite the Red Knight debacle) could have and should have plastered over the cracks left by the departures and casualties. In recent seasons such names as David Silva, Fernando Torres, Arjen Robben, Ronaldinho, Miguel Veloso and Sergio Aguero have been linked to the Red Devils, though like Alan Shearer so long ago, none of those moves came to fruition.

That being said, though, the failure to capture Alan Shearer (supposedly because Alex Ferguson would not give him penalty-taking duties over one Eric Cantona) paved the way for Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, and the super-sub (alongside Teddy Sheringham), wrote themselves into the history books at the Nou Camp about eleven years ago. Stroke of good fortune, perhaps? Solskjaer and United won numerous titles during his time there (I'm not even going to try to list them), and Shearer… well. Moving on.

Transfers aside (I've already talked about Dimitar Berbatov and Michael Owen at length, as well as my thoughts on Giuseppe Rossi and Gerard Pique), I think United can be satisfied with their season. One trophy, the Quarter-Finals of the Champions' League, second place in the domestic league. Not to gloat, but Liverpool and Arsenal fans, "Man U didn't win anything" isn't anything you can gloat about either, looking at what everyone was left with once the dust had settled. Fabregas pining for a return to Spain and Anfield's dynamic duo looking dejected on the final day of the season aren't exactly positive omens for the future, as much as signing one striker (who should have arrived at least six months ago)

Hats off to Chelsea, though, who went through a season that was at least as turbulent and disruptive as United's. Also facing injuries to players like Michael Essien and both Coles, as well as the unnecessary drama surrounding John Terry's debauchery, together with managerial change, they came out on top in a season where most backed Liverpool, and bagged themselves the FA Cup to boot. Scoring so many goals and beating all the top sides (something United almost did in their aforementioned treble season).

Fantastic results against big sides (Milan and Spurs immediately come to mind) and Rooney's emergence as one of the greats despite his tender age affords United fans some measure of relief, though not nearly as much as a big trophy would. All due respect to the Carling Cup, of course. What United can take heart from is that Antonio Valencia and Nani seem to have matured into really big game players, and others like Ryan Giggs, Paul Scholes, Darren Fletcher, Edwin Van Der Sar, Patrice and Nemanja Vidic have continued to show why they warrant a place in the squad. The likes of Michael Carrick, Owen Hargreaves, Darron Gibson, Wes Brown and (sadly) Dimitar Berbatov will have to step up more in the months to come for United to improve on their second-placed finish, though.

So United didn't record their fourth consecutive Premier League title, and failed to set a new record for title wins that was for so long Anfield's. So Rooney didn't win the Golden Boot after scoring over thirty, creating a bunch more (including 9 goals and 5 assists in 9 for England) and winning the Player of the Year award. So the Champions's League eluded Ferguson again, after United finished as the British side that progressed the furthest alongside Arsenal. So United fell to such side as Burnley and Fulham and Everton, despite beating Arsenal, Liverpool and just about everyone else but Chelsea.

That's why the standings speak for themselves, though.

Am I disappointed that United finished like they did? Sure. Before the loss to Chelsea and the draw to Blackburn, the title was still firmly in the grasp of the wily old Scot. Poor performances can cost you, though, and they did. Still, in a season tinged with disappointment, I'm sure United fans will still rally behind their team, looking forward to 2010/2011. If it's any consolation to any of you, we still outdid the two other red teams, and I've yet to meet a Chelsea fan who has supported the side since Zola and Di Matteo were in it.

End

So that story is over. Did it even begin? Was it anything to anyone but me?

Always seemed like it wasn't happening at all anyway, that it wasn't part of the real world. Even when I made her mine.

That other time and place never came. Even though I waited, did all I could.

Still don't know how or why it came to this, but there's nothing to do but walk away. As hard as it is.

Things change, I guess. And maybe it's just left for everyone to see how much they have.

Was decided, bad sentence structure and all.

No more movie lines. No more lingering hugs, old-school music, National Geographic or laughing about douchebag friends. No more secret one-sided feelings bursting at the seams. No more being gutsy or honest or stupid. No more late night walks, inside jokes, wishlists, translations, numbered moods, re-watching TV shows and movies. No more surprise E-Mails or visits or roti john.

A long time ago it was more yes than no, now it's nothing at all.

Heart needs a break, and not the kind it's been getting.

Late Night

Long time ago, someone very dear to me said that she couldn't bear to listen to the Love Songs show weeknights on Class 95 because it was too painful. Back then, I nodded, saying I understood. I didn't, not until today. Don't think I can listen to a lot of things any more, not for a while yet. This isn't a love song, just something I wrote even before what most recently happened. Still apt, I guess, and like before, if you've been paying attention, there's more.

I miss you.
Waking up to a funny message or call.
Laughing about things and people and life and stuff.
The long talks we used to have everyday about everything.
Always I've thought things were good, great, fantastic.
The little things we always believed in.
Flowers, that blue one I got you that you liked and hid.
Late night walks and hugs and secrets.

I miss you.
Going to sleep with you on my mind.
Wondering if you felt the same way.
Time and place, you said, it was wrong.
Always seems to be wrong, but can't we make it right?
The big things that I said we could get around.
Maybe all I have left are the messages and memories.
It's just space you want, you say, but it feels like you're drifting away.

I miss you.
Getting tired of nothing you do.
Holding on when things seem bleak.
Not going home just to spend another minute with you.
Always I've been true, honest, gutsy, here.
Everything I feel I've poured out to you.
Nothing I do seems to work.
Alone again tonight.

I miss you.
Even though I know I shouldn't, shouldn't say it.
It's difficult not to, when I feel it.
It's true I was stupid, breaking my rules.
Always thought I could give you what you deserved.
Understood what that meant, what you wanted.
Until recently, I thought that you'd give this, give us a chance.
You stole my heart, broke it, still have it. Always will.

Want

"You don't always get what you want."

That's what she said to me so very long ago, though I'm reminded everyday.

I've always believed that you should at least try to get what you want though, if that makes you happy. I've been telling myself that to justify everything I've done recently. Maybe I'm right, maybe not. Who knows? Not me.

So it boils down to a matter of what I want.

I want that person, of course.

But not as much as I want her to be happy.

But right now it seems like the only thing I can do is wait. Wait for things to settle, for people to be ready. Then to see if it works, or happens.

In that other time and place.

What Now?

For the longest time, it all seemed set. Straightforward.

Graduate with decent, if not good, grades. Start work. Save. Get married to the obvious person.

Seems like another life, or the story of another person.

"I feel like you're a different person now."

That's what someone said to me a few days ago.

Gets that way sometimes, or maybe all the time, to everyone. Change. Maybe it's drastic, dramatic, or maybe it's gradual and gentle.

Circumstances, situations, feelings, people change.

Sometimes.

Not Going Anywhere

A bunch of people going through really rough patches the past few days or weeks, so hopefully things pick up for everyone. Developments have given some affirmation over difficult decisions, and others reason to doubt. For what it's worth, I think that even if mistakes have been made, the only thing that that means is that you have more opportunity to grow, instead. Cliché, I know, and you know how much I hate those.

Readers of this space – both the observant regulars and the casual ones – would have guessed by now that something's up. Some accost and try and cajole secrets to be revealed, but I'll just say that I'm not comfortable being too open about certain things.

But you write about those things on your awesome blog, you cry out. Yes, yes I do. And I write only as much as I am comfortable sharing right now. The clever ones may have seen more amidst the nonsense, perhaps, but the fact remains that right now, as ever, things are uncertain, and there's little point in raising any hopes for something that is at best a slim possibility. I'm not pessimistic, just realistic.

That being said, it's not like I don't talk or think about it.

"She sounds like a keeper."

"She is."

Conversation with a friend of mine only recently.

Thing is, I still don't really know what she thinks.

Sometimes it feels right, and it's going to work simply because it seems so natural. Other times it feels like I'm fishing with the wrong bait. Or no bait at all. Watching that one get away.

Those times it feels like nothing is going anywhere.

But I guess the only thing to do is stick.

I'm not going anywhere.

Trust

A funny thing.

Can't hold it, yet it weighs heavily.

Can't put a price to it, but it's valued above all else.

Can't paint it, picture it, but you can see when it's there.

Takes an age to build up, and can be destroyed in an instant.

And no matter how much you think you have, sometimes it's not enough.

Promises

Lately that word's been cropping up a lot. With you.

Some people use it lightly, though I'd like to think I'm not one of them. Promises I make, I keep. Trust me.

At the same time, I'd expect the same from anyone else.

You can't always ask for a promise though. And I'm not.

And sometimes you just have to go with it, even without that assurance.

Hold That Thought

Many of us are guilty of wishful thinking. Few more so than me. The events of the last few weeks have given me a lot to think about, to dream about. To hope for. Your fault, heh.

Dangerous thing, this. Hope. Lost it a long time ago.

So I've decided to discard it. The cliché of there always being hope is a nice thought, but with hope comes expectation and the possibility of disappointment and heartbreak. Again.

I'm not pessimistic though. Even though I'm sad.

Just realistic. Thoughtful, pensive, broody.

Things don't happen unless you do something, I believe. So that's what I'll do. What I'm doing. Right place at the right time. Right person.

Holding that thought. Holding on for you.

Also, hello to the new visitors.

Little Miss Honesty

"Oh, you wanna hear something honest?"

"Always."

"I do kinda miss you."

"Smiling like an idiot now."

"Really? Haha."

"Really."

Really. Honesty rocks.

A Mess

I wonder, sometimes, many times, where everything is going. Especially with you.

Those closest to me joke about things that affect me the most, and truth be told I'm perfectly alright with the jibes. Humor and laughter are important parts of my life.

But then there are times where I start to wonder if it's all going to be one big joke and nothing else.

Almost unreal how things have worked out, the way I'm spending my time. How I think only of you.

Never thought it would be this way, but then who can ever predict how anything turns out?

Not me, not now. Sometimes I'm afraid to hope.

May

For the longest time, the month was a really exciting, meaningful one for me.

A lot has changed in the past year or so, and now this period doesn't hold the wonder it used to.

No bitterness, just the way things are.