E-Mail

Friend of a friend asked about school. As I wrote the reply, I realized it was even more awesome than I remember.


Hi there,

Fang Xun mentioned you'd contact me, heh.

Going to New York is actually rather common, and an avenue taken by many who can afford it. Any student of UB-SIM (or SIM-UB, depending on who you're asking) is eligible to go to the New York campus after fulfilling a few simple criteria, almost always in August for the Fall Semester.

Here's where I should explain the semester system.

Spring Semester: January - April

Summer Semester: May - August

Fall Semester: September - December

So you can see, school holidays are almost non-existent; typically the longest "break" period is in late December (exams are sometimes during the first week of December) to early or mid January.

Back to going to New York proper, as I said, a lot of people do that, and almost everyone enjoys it immensely. Most go for two semesters (Fall and Spring) or just one, though under most circumstances, SIM students studying abroad (in New York) are a rarity since the "Summer Semester" is usually vacation time for the yanks.

I was supposed to go in January 2010, for the Spring Semester, but because of the, uh, tense political climate now, my being a male Muslim with military training played against me and I was denied entry to the States. People are fuming about it to this day.

The single degree program is nine semesters long (three years) for most students. If you fail or drop anything (or are a Business major taking up specific concentrations/courses) it might be a little longer. A double major or double degree (they're different) program might take longer than that - up to a year perhaps. That being said, you can finish a double major course in three years or less as well.

A Level students are eligible to certain waivers in terms of course and subject obligations, and most of them are pretty straightforward. Any A-Level graduate who has passed any of Biology, Chemistry, Literature, C Maths or has scored at least a B for Economics will be waived at least a few modules, and that saves you a pretty nice amount of money since the billing is calculated per-credit.

I've actually graduated already, at more or less the same time as Fang Xun, and if this E-Mail sounds like I'm selling the institution, know that it's with good reason. I've said before, and will gladly say again, that "screwing up my A levels and ending up in UB is the best thing that's happened to me." It's made me into the person I am today, more than anything else has, and I am sincerely glad I made that choice.

The thing you'll hear most is how the "American system" affords everyone a rich and different atmosphere compared to the more "traditional" institutes, and I firmly believe and am thankful for that. Especially in the Communications degree program, everyone is allowed and encouraged to be vocal, develop interpersonal skills, develop a responsible work ethic and work in groups. The teachers rarely - if ever - spoon-feed you information; rather everyone is expected to be proactive and take the initiative. This is actually a big change for almost everyone, and more often than not a culture shock. But I feel it adds a lot to your character and the way you're able to function singly or in a team.

Lesson structure is diverse, depending entirely on the instructor (many of whom are from UB itself, or an associated institution). Some are rather straightforward Quiz-Paper-Exam kinds of subjects, but there are some modules with no exams at all, and your grade is assessed entirely on a bunch of presentations or even class participation. In almost every case, the exam(s) isn't worth more than 30% of the final grade anyway, and I've taken a class where the exam was worth only 7% of the final score. Yep, seven. Everyone is also supposed to take courses in writing, history, music, psychology, sociology, philosophy, and science. Most of them are highly enjoyable.

Of course, it isn't an easy ride all the way. As Fang Xun (I sometimes call her Sally) will attest to, some of the modules and/or instructors are frustratingly difficult.

The biggest worry (other than cost) that most people will have is the fact that "a degree from SIM won't be recognized". From my personal experience, that's kind of rubbish. I can easily name a heckload of UB graduates who are now working in very reputable companies in the fields of media, journalism, advertising, PR, events, and just about everything else. Besides, the degree doesn't even say SIM!

The people you meet in UB (if you do decide to enroll) will come from all walks of life. I've taken classes and done projects with fresh O Level students (like Fang Xun), NUS degree holders, working mothers, part-time bartenders, Singapore Idol contestants, models, athletes, dancers, writers, artists, locals, foreigners from Malaysia, Indonesia, Russia, Austria, and everything in between. Of course, you'll also run into drama-queens, back-stabbers, freeloaders and general buffoons, but then you find them everywhere.

Many who have graduated from UB have wonderful things to say about their time there, and often with good reason. "I miss UB" is something I hear a lot nowadays.

If you're seriously considering doing a degree there, I'd say you're on the verge of making a great decision.

Regards,

Naz

Dice rolled, ball passed. Your move.

Not gonna let me let myself down anymore.

Walk in the Park

Am still sore and aching from close to no rest since football on Friday. Now hungry too. Keep losing track of thoughts and things, it annoys me. Need my hours filled, but need some time to just slow down too. A paradox, and an irritating one.

But I'm irritable.

Different People

"But I'm a million different people from one day to the next..."

I love that song. Lately, I've been talking to some people I either hadn't talked to in a long time, or at all before. The frequency of talking to some others who I have been talking to regularly have also lessened, and for that I am really sad about.

A long time ago, a young and lonely kid called a girl on her birthday, telling her how he felt for her. Truth be told, the words he uttered were probably a little melodramatic, but they grew into truth eventually. They saw the world evolve around them, and each other grow into different people. The problem was that they remained in love with what they were before and not who they became and continued to become.

It's a common situation, listening to some people talk, even if it sounds basic. But why?

We all have our ideals, of course. That's a given. But what I guess many don't see is that we also often form our own idealized perceptions of certain people. I'm guilty of that. Especially so. While perspective is important, it's also at least equally important to be able to recognize that things aren't what you want them to be, but what they are. People change.

Not totally, though.

More than one person has told (warned?) me about how they're apparently different people as friends and as partners or significant others. Really? Why?

If your partner is your friend - even your best friend - then why is this so?

To me, if that happens you got to look at the situation you're in. If you're different people with different people, perhaps you should ask yourself which person you prefer. We're all in control of our destinies, even if that locus of control sometimes seems to be in the hands of other parties like our folks, employers or the like. You can choose who you want to be, can't you? What's the point in making any decisions if you can't?

When the kid was with the girl he grew up with, he started growing up himself. After some time, he realized that there was more to life than being a quiet boy that played chess and Fifa 99 all day over a crappy dial up modem. He could meet friends who weren't the girl's, and that he actually wanted to be someone else. The girl was, and still is, a fantastic person. They were happy, truly. But he wasn't him.

It's hard being who you're not, tiring and trying.

Eventually, things got out of hand, and the weariness and other things combined to break them apart. Good choice? Right now it seems that way, though the memories are still very much treasured.

So now the kid is a little older, hopefully somewhat wiser. He's become someone else, as have we all. Right now that kid and the girl have become people they never thought they'd become, I'm sure. Having seen, said and done things that neither expected even a few years ago, one wonders what the future holds.

I'm All Write

When I'm upset, bored, pensive, lost, I write. I like to write. I'd like to think I do it pretty well, though I won't fool myself (or anyone else) by saying I'm damn good at it, and am better than most.

Still, I find it helps. Sometimes by putting things down in words it's very cathartic, and sometimes it just distracts you from whatever's on your mind.

I know it's weird to say that, since for so many (that I know, at least), writing involves thinking. Sometimes it does, of course, but often times my stuff involves very little brain work.

Hence the rambling, error-rich and nonsensical nature of the majority of my posts.

It's hard when you can't write everything though.

A Journey

Drove a long, long way today. Restless hearts sleep alone tonight.

Good day, I think. Maybe. Not sure. Hold on to that feeling.

OMG

"You won't save him?"
"It's ok, God will save him."

This entry probably won't sit too well with some who frequent this space, but then I'm not exactly known for bending over for others. Not gonna mention names, but read on at your peril.

As a stupid, younger, chubbier, less hairy version of myself, I used to go to a religious school/class after "normal" school, twice a week. This was a run-down building, moss-covered and with carpets smelling like old people and old people smelling like carpets. Didn't help that the said old people were the ones running the joint, and they sought to impart their glorious wisdom onto the younger and open-minded generation. Which included my sister and I.

First thing? It was all in Malay. Big obstacle and turn off right there. I kid you not when I say that half the time I had no clue what was going on, and to say that I was going through the motions is being more accurate than the actual phrase suggests. What, God can't understand English? That's bullshit

Didn't help, of course, that most of the students there, looking back, were just shorter and squeakier versions of the tapered-jeans floater-cap mats that you see prowling around, looking for corners to commandeer. Didn't really fit in. They knew it, I knew it, and it was painfully obvious to this chubby Chinese-looking boy that the other very Melayu boys weren't gonna actively invite him to play football with them.

But what of the lessons, the teachings from the sacred texts that have guided our lives thus far? The experience through the years at Muhammadiyah, "private" mengaji lessons at home with neighbors, and even somewhat enforced group sessions with my extended family or former significant other only reinforced the idea incepted (I had to, sorry) so long ago.

Organized religion is a farce, at best, and Islam might be the joke of the lot.

Advocates of the Islamic way will point at the "advancements" that the culture has brought to the world in terms of technology, mathematics, architecture, music, art and other aspects of life, and I for one cannot and will not dispute or refute that. Certainly. But then almost every culture or religion has brought good and bad to the table we sit at now. I'm not even going to start on the whole terrorist angle, because that's really over-hyped in the media already, and I could go on and on and on about the atrocities committed in the name of any religion even without saying what I wanted to originally.

In this day and age, one of the biggest facets of Islam that disturb me the most is the way women are treated. We've all seen and made jokes about ninjas when seeing Muslim women dressing up like tents, and to be honest, I laugh almost every time even though I'm (technically) Muslim as well. Why? Because it's ridiculous to treat them like that, and they - man and woman alike - are jokes. The fact that France have banned the burka (or burqa?) and other countries are seriously looking to do the same might enrage the clerics and zealots that wish to see the flowing ninja robes of the women, but honestly, in the sweltering heat of summer (or the eternal summer of Singapore), would you actually want to don such a get up? I can't even wear a songkok for an hour without wanting to rip it off and burn it while doing a merry jig. Muslim women are treated as subordinates, at best, and are otherwise seen as lesser beings. That's bullshit.

Then there's the thing that got me thinking about it all in the first place. I can't even remember who told me this, but since then I've been told that it's more common across other religions than I previously thought as well; that anyone who is not a Muslim will burn in hell for all eternity, and those who are, whoever they may be, will transcend to heaven eventually. For the sake of functionality, one can substitute "Muslim" with something like "Christian" or whatever for the same effect, but you get my picture. You've heard it before. So my aged ustazah is trying to tell me that right now at this very moment in time, people like Mother Theresa and Princess Diana are being slow-roasted while rapists, pillagers and plunderers are enjoying their time up there because they glanced at the Arabic version of the Bible? That's bullshit.

See that's the other thing that got me thinking. Yes, I over-think. The three Abrahamic religions are too similar for any of them to be the "true" one, in my mind. Of course, one can argue that one is the real thing and the other two are cheap knock-offs, but it's just as, if not more likely that they're just three strikingly similar interpretations of the same hand-written and Man-written book originally penned as a way to control the masses with stories of doom and a higher power. Adam and Eve? Check. Noah and the flood? Check. Crucifixion? Check. Angels and demons? Check, even before Dan Brown. Even the names are the same. Adam, Nuh, Jibril, Mikhail correspond to Adam (duh), Noah, Gabriel and Michael exactly. And that's just off the top of my unlearned head. That's bullshit.

Everyone has the divine right (ironically) to live their lives the way they should. I get that, accept that, advocate and encourage that. It's just that when religion enters the picture, or is shoved down your throat by overzealous preachers (some priests shove other things down your throats, right?) and bigots, more often than not that freedom of will is forfeit. You're not letting those women be free. You're not letting congregates accept people with differing views as actual people, you're not even trying to be that different when ostracizing the rest of the world. That's bullshit.

Epiphany

Lately I've been doing nothing I've promised to do, and doing exactly the opposite. To some of those I've hurt or wronged, I'm sorry. Very much so.

I'll make it up to you.

Of course, if you don't get anything after thinking this is to you, you're probably not some of those people. Tough.

Regrets

Wrote this a while back, but never finished it until tonight.

Done a lot of things in the past year or so. Good things, bad things, big things, stupid things.
I don't regret all the bad or stupid things I've done, seeing as how "bad" and "stupid" are all relative anyway. Some might argue differently, but then everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
I don't regret not telling certain people certain things. Even if they knew already.
I don't regret telling certain people certain things. They deserved to know. Even if they knew already.
I don't regret taking the time and effort to be a productive part of the school. Many thought it a waste, but I didn't.
I don't regret not being able to go to New York. Things worked out better this way.
I don't regret walking away from some people. Had to be done, and it should have been done sooner in some instances.
I don't regret cutting people off. After everything that's been said and done.
I don't regret spending a ridiculous amount of time on football and writing non-academic material. Looks like it got me a sweet ESPN gig.
I don't regret studying in an institution classed outside the "Top Three" in Singapore. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.
I don't regret getting involved with a few people. Except one.
I don't regret the friends I've made and kept.
I don't regret going down a road that promised only disappointment, because it gave more than that.
I don't regret being who I am, even if I sometimes wish that person was good enough for others.
I don't regret being "gutsy" and honest and even sneaky, with weirdly colored letters.
I don't regret the tough decisions.
I don't regret being slapped in public.
I don't regret spending obscene amounts of time and money on certain people.
I don't regret any of what I've written or drawn, even if some think otherwise.


"What if you could wake up tomorrow morning and not like her that much anymore?"


"Not be in love with her anymore? A huge part of me wants that, wishes it could be true. But I don't think I want to."


"Why? It's making you so sad now"


"Because I don't regret falling for her, as pointless and painful as it's been. She's made me happier than I can remember, and I'll never regret that."


-------------------------------------------------------------------


"I hope you understand what that means."


"I do, but I'm sorry, I can't be who you want me to be."


"I know. I want you to be you, but mine. You can't be both. That's one thing I do regret."

Mood

Not good. And not helping. Screw it all.
Said something a couple of nights ago I regret, though it feels true again.
Someone mentioned how I seem to have so many secrets, or at least know so many. Perhaps they're both true. Maybe I should let some out. Maybe some are more obvious than you might think, too.

Conversations

"Maybe you can change her mind again?"


"I've tried to, for months, and almost every night I go to bed very sad."


"Why?"


"Because everyday since this has begun I've tried to show her that if she'll give me a chance, I can make her happier than she wants to be, and everyday she tells me not to."


"She doesnt know how lucky she is."


"It's different from the other girls before her, no one has made me want to bother or try as much."


"What makes her so special? I'm curious."


"For the longest time, since I started thinking about girls, at least, I've had this girl in my head or dreams. No name or face. Just her character, personality, other things. Everyone before fit that image a little, but had a lot of things which didn't match at all. Then she came along, and the more I got to know her the more I saw she was that girl I've always dreamt of."

The Greatest Show on Earth

Frog-chaser, rain-singer
Bird-watcher, star-gazer
House-gawker, shoe-hunter
Word-weaver, smile-stealer

Walk-taker, blog-stalker
Time-bender, rule-breaker
Dream-hider, back-cracker
Song-catcher, heart-breaker

Surprise, Surprise

It was a good day. A great day. Food, company, games, weather, music.
Keep waking up hoping that things will fall into place, but it only seems to fall apart.
Been putting off celebrating my birthday with my oldest friends just to be stupid, and while everyone around is telling me that I should stop, seems that nobody realizes why I can't.
Playing with a little kid was fun, probably the highlight of it all.
Got smacked in the face with a frisbee today, and it wasn't nearly the hardest hit I received.

"I'm sorry."


"Not as sorry as I am. In my head, I see us together, happy. Getting past the obvious difficulties. I see you as the person I want to be with more than anything, more than anyone else. I see a future. I see the girl who makes me happy, I see my best friend. I see the one I'd wait for as long as I know there's something to wait for. My inspiration, my reason for trying, why I bother doing anything. I see you, in my head. All the time."


"I'm really very sorry, I don't know what else I can say."


"Me neither, so I'll leave it at that."

Inception: Spoiler-Free Review

I believe it's the first time I've posted more than one review within a week, discounting less-legal movie experiences. Let's get moving.

The trailer for Inception has been circulating like hot gossip since it's err, inception, and I haven't seen or heard anyone call it anything less than stellar. Sporting an ensemble cast that includes Leonardo DiCaprio, Ellen Page, Michael Caine, Ken Watanabe, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Tom Berenger to name a few, it's also produced by two of the three people who brought you The Dark Knight, Christopher Nolan and (the less-hyped) Emma Thomas.

It's been a while since I went into a movie with big expectations (Avatar, The Dark Knight, Iron Man 2, Transformers), and they've been mixed experiences to say the least. Coming into Inception though, I was already expecting big things from the trailer and from a friend's tweet that went something like "INCEPTION IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER MADE OMFG". Granted, some people can go over the top with snap judgments on big movies after watching them, but I usually trust his taste. Usually.

You know how some films seem very disjointed or fragmented, and when it all falls into place, when everything clicks, you get that one defining moment of "Whoa"? Yeah, that's what you get here. The feeling that the movie is purposefully made to boggle the mind and leave you on the very brink of understanding permeates throughout, with a multi-layered (in more ways than one) plot and complex characters. With so much going on, though, it doesn't race ahead of the viewers' ability to understand the intricacies of the world of Inception, the rules of the game and how everything fits together.

Nearly everything is either open to logical and reasonable assumptions come the end, or explained really well anyway during the 140+ minutes of the film. Another plus, I hate movies that are under two hours. Didn't expect anything less though, given the sheer scope of this project.

DiCaprio gives a really good performance (as usual) of Cobb, someone gifted in the art of corporate espionage, with secrets to hide as well as uncover. But then he almost always delivers, as just about every one of his films have shown. Joseph Gordon-Levitt, of 3rd Rock and 10 Things and 500 Days acclaim (what's with the numbers?) is an actor I've always enjoyed watching, and I believe this is the first time I've seen him in a big-budget action movie, and he more than stepped up. Ellen Page is another one I really like, from Hard Candy to Juno and even her cameo in X-Men. There's Michael Caine, ever elegant and captivating, even if his screen time is limited. Ken Watanabe and his iconic accent and steely gaze also does brilliantly. It dawned on me near the end that Cillian Murphy is actually The Scarecrow from Nolan's Batman films too.

Batman count:
Christopher Nolan/Emma Thomas
Alfred
Scarecrow
Impostor Ra's Al Ghul

One thing evident from the trailer is that the score is big and epic. During the film, too, the music sets the eerie and surreal tone that everything else explores. It inspires awe and takes your breath away, together with the stunning visuals and heart-racing action. I actually caught myself on the edge of my seat, holding my breath in anticipation a couple of times. Even the humor that's placed in the dialogue works, and doesn't take away or detract from anything, unlike some other examples.

Perhaps the best thing about the movie is the way it got an entire theatre to go "Oh shiiiiiiiiit" at the same time, myself and lovely companion included. That was quite awesome. The only thing that bugged me is how the ending is desperately similar to another DiCaprio movie (I won't say which), but then it isn't exactly a bad thing. Makes you think, like the rest of the movie. Definitely not a brainless film, far from it. You have to think about almost everything that takes place, and even then you might be debating it with others for a while. In a good way.

In the end, Inception is a mind-blowing movie that might not be mind-blowingly good, but comes damn close. Definitely one of the best movies in recent memory, and obvious puns about how it's a dream movie aside, it's definitely something that everyone should watch. As I said to a friend after the film,

"It's awesome. Sit down, shut up, pay attention, think about it, and enjoy."

Can't really go wrong with Jack, Juno, Tommy, Katsumoto, Scarecrow and Alfred in The Matrix eh?

Predators: Spoiler-Free Review!

One of the earliest and most poignant movie experiences I had as a kid was watching the first Predator movie, where Arnie foiled the technologically- and physically-superior Alien with mud and big yelling. That and Arnie (again) cutting off most of his skin in Terminator 2 and the fact that velociraptors are chillingly intelligent. 1987's Predator also introduced me to the idea of infra-red vision and might have been one of the first times I heard the F-bomb dropped.

Infra-vision and F-bombs aplenty in the 2010 installment of the series, produced in part by Robert Rodriguez. I loved Desperado and Sin City, but then this follows Alien vs Predator and Alien vs Predator: Requiem, and so I didn't really have my hopes up for the film, especially being the huge fan of the franchise itself. Sort of like Transformers, come to think of it. And we all know how that turned out.

Watching it at Cineleisure Orchard, the first thing that struck me was the fact that the advertisements and trailers were craptacular. Sure, there's the Inception one that everyone has seen and loved about fourteen times the past week, but other than that, meh. Not really the fault of anyone to do with Predators itself, so I'll move on.

I'll start with the good. The best part of the movie, for me, was the fact that just about all the music seems to be from the original Predator film. Even at the end, as out of place as it is, I really liked it No "Get to tha choppa!" but there's the music from the other choppa, so that's good enough for me. That and the very early re-introduction to chaingun carnage in deep forest vegetation already scored some points. Of course, music and bullets will never make a film, and Adrien Brody is no Arnold Schwarzenegger. I'm not even sure if that's how you spell it.

The characters involved in the film aren't totally developed, but that can be forgiven, seeing as how you'd expect as much from a film where one expects most of them to die off really quickly anyway. Early on you'll be able to tell who are the "main" ones and which of the others are really just fodder for the shoulder-cannon-toting extraterrestrials.

Trivia: The term "Xenomorph" is used to describe the "Aliens" from Alien (duh) and AVP, but there are no definitive term for Predators. However, "Yautja" is used in some books I have read, and I believe another one is "Hish".

Early on, I turn to my buddy and go "That's Eric Foreman, right?" "Yeah, Venom.". Still weird.

Many new things are introduced to the Predator universe in this movie, not least the "dogs" that are seen in some early shots that a few people have seen a while back. Writing this now, it strikes me that they look alarmingly like Felhunters from World of Warcraft. This, of course, must surely mean that Warlocks will be able to spec into Predator come the newest expansion. Hmm, tempting.

No classic things like self-destruct mini-nukes or Xena flying discs or telescopic spears though. Pity.

The plot isn't the strongest, but then when has a Predator film been based on one? That being said, though, it isn't stupid, though a few spots will leave you scratching your head in confusion. Think about it later, however,  and most of it makes sense. Some things like the rather convenient placement of certain weapons may raise a few eyebrows, but one could probably jot that down to some reasonable explanation, but still. That and the aforementioned Felhunters seem to have god-like endurance. One or two other things other than character vitality can be guessed early on, but that doesn't detract from the film too much. I actually called something the minute it happened, and was rather pleased when I was right, but then the manner of which it played out was a nice surprise, though admittedly strange.

Final verdict? If you're a fan of the Predator universe, you'll probably like it. It's still a long, long way away from the first one, and if you take the whole crossover universe into account, it would rank fourth, behind that and the first two Alien movies (singular and plural).

Dog Eat Dog

There has been a recent flurry of video reposts on Facebook, Twitter and the like after the SPCA put up a video of a woman smacking a dog with a bunch of rattan stick-things. Now, animal cruelty is something I can never condone, and is a definite deal-breaker in any sense. If Jessica Alba showed up at my doorstep, glowingly radiant and professing her undying love to me, but kicked Mia out of spite, I'd throw her out on her ass. Eventually.

So the afore-mentioned video has caused quite a stir on the interwebz, and while I think that the woman in frame shouldn't be defended at all, the vast majority of comments that have come to light because of the video are laughable, at best.


"OMG THAT BITCH SHUD BURN IN HELL"


"i dun even wanna c the vid, but i hope she dies"

Two hilarious excerpts I've quoted without even trying.

Now, before I go on, I want to make it crystal clear that I am not supportive of the woman in question in any way, but am only making a personal assessment on the situation that has come about from this whole thing.

Moving on.


It's all little over-the-top, don't you think? I know people who regularly and enthusiastically stalk drunken girls in clubs, looking for openings. Or people who are willing and able to cheat on their significant others in a heartbeat, with nearly anyone who shows a passing interest. Those who seek to sow discord among people he names friends, not to mention steal money from playing poker.

Should these people burn in hell too (considering it exists)? Some say yes. And if these people, this lady is an otherwise model citizen, does that account for anything?

More amusing still, is how some can be so quick to hop on the "Kill-The-Bitch" bandwagon when they, by their own admission, have not seen what has happened. Granted, the description may be vivid enough, but calling for someone's head and blood to be shed is a little too dramatic when you haven't even considered the evidence yourself.

What strikes me as strange, though, is the manner of which the SPCA has gone about inciting this bloodlust among the otherwise calm and serene animal-lovers that troll Facebook and social media. According to them, they were "directed" to the video on YouTube, and are now seeking assistance in identifying the woman. This raises two glaring points in my little mind.

1. It isn't too difficult to click on the name of the user who posted the YouTube video in the first place, and send him/her a private message. I've tried, it takes a grand total of two clicks.

2. Why share the video on Facebook as one of "their" videos and not the YouTube link itself, thereby removing the opportunity for the motivated Facebookers to do some pseudo-sleuthing of their own?

An argument that can (and will) be raised is that there may be more than one of the videos circulating on Google's YouTube, with more made as I type this. Fair enough. So look for the one posted first. If the SPCA can take the time to rip it off YouTube and repost it as their own video on Facebook, they can get the person who did that for them to look at the dates and times that YouTube dutifully and digitally records and displays.

But what then? The originator of the video is obviously a relative or friend of the woman. Will he/she give her up? Probably not, you might think. Then why post it in the first place?

This whole dog fiasco has left me with more amusement than anything, though I feel for the pup. Still, it's still my personal opinion that it would be prudent for everyone to take a look at things rationally, and realize that there's always more to it than what appears on the surface. Animal cruelty is bad, very bad, but it often takes many forms, and people have to take the time to think before saying anything stupid sometimes.

Conversations

"You've fallen that deep, huh?"

"Deeper."

"That's not going to make things any easier."

"I know. A big part of me knows it's not going to happen. Really. But that other part is hoping that she'll wake up one day and change her mind. I have to be there if she does."

Just Another Day

It was a special day. Saw people I didn't expect, people who make me feel better. But then had to watch, remember, talk about, share, listen to and look at a few difficult, sometimes heart-wrenching things while most of them smiled. I'm happy for them, of course. Just tired of it all sometimes. Sometimes the truth is exhausting.

Today

"Thanks for dinner, and driving everywhere."

"You don't have to thank me. A long time ago I promised you I'd do everything I could to make things good and to spend time with you. I meant it then, mean it now. Thank you for letting me spend today with the people who matter most to me."

"It was nothing much."

"Still means the world to me."
You do. Thank you for the birthday present, and the hug.

I find myself online at 5.33 in the morning, after just getting home from work. Spain beat Germany in a thoroughly engaging game, and I didn't kill myself or anyone else while driving in a semi-comatose state.

Been having a lot of things run through this head of mine the past few days, as well as spending quite a bit of cash though that's a forgivable rarity, and it was worth it.

See how it goes, I guess, though that's always been the case eh?

Don't always get what we want, or have things turn out the way we'd like.

Backspace

I have a tendency to start writing and not finis –

Yeah.

It'd be awesome, I guess, to be able to just hit backspace in real life and redo things.

Right?

I'm gonna write this entry and not hit backspace at all.

I'm at a point in my life where th that seems wide open. Big things happening all around, and som most times it seems that I'm barely aware of the very things that are most important, or should be the most important to me. Most day hou of the time I catch myself tinking about things I shouldn't be thinking of like that amazingly annoying YOG song instead of things that people tell me I should. Are they right? Maybe. Probably.

So here I am, right, at this point, this chapter of a my the story, where whatever comes next seems like a big mystery questi unknown clusterfu voi unknown. A long time ago, A while back, I wrote about how we all live and write the stories of our lives. Of course, I now realize that I also referenced that in a much more recent entry, so just bear stay with me.

Every story has a start, a beginning and an end. Pretty simple, straightforward and duh. Once upon a time, we had something.

What most people don't see or understand though, is that often times you don't know if something is the beginning or the end of the story. I'm not even talking about "the end is the beginning is the end" or a ra anything else. Just that sometimes you've got to catch yourself and stop to take a look at things, put things in perspective.

Sometimes you've got to ask yourself if it's all worth it, if it things are going the way you want them to, and if you need to change anything. If you want to change anything. If you can even change anything. Not always the case, of course. Plenty of hopeless situations, though there are probably more seemingly hopeless ones that than genuine ones.

What about me? Do you wanna know about me? Probably. That's why you're here, right? I wish you were here.

I spend most of my time distracted, or trying to distract myself. When I think about that in itself, I begin to wonder if which one is more true or accurate. Lately it's been harder and harder to stay distracted, or to keep myself distracted from tha what's been keeping me up at night or and what's been on my mind the most. If you've been reading this space, or and if you're at least half rational an or able to see certain things or read between the lines, you might know what I'm talking about.

Asked myself what's going on. A love for music is something I really loved in her.

Someone el Three people have recently said that they're surprised at "this side of me" or that they "didn't know this side of Naz existed".

Neither did I. Neither did you.

But I'm not sure how I feel about that. Would I want t Done a few things I might have not under different circumstances, and not ta totally regretted them. Would I have mashed the backspace key given the chance? I'm still not sure. As it is, this entry looks like what things are now. Pieces of nonsense flying in different directions, and messy as hell.

There's still something there, though. Always has, always will.

Loose Change

Only people you should change for are those who love you the way you are.

That's what I've always believed.

And in the past few months I can count on one hand the number of times I've dropped the F-bomb.

Made the effort to be around people I wouldn't normally entertain, or layan.

Stopped speeding.

Spending money on Bird Park in the rain. Spontaneous Night Safari adventure.

Braving the weather in less-than-convenient attire.

Going to Jurong at least once a week, not for football.

Went on shopping trips and looked for obscure books.

Started to love Class 95. And now can't listen to it.

Even grew out the hair. She said she liked the hair longer.

Not good enough though.

It's a funny thing that, change.

Extreme cliché to call it the constant, when some people never do, but yet there it is.

Staring at many of us in the face, while other race towards it, purposefully or otherwise. Sometimes things change when you least expect them, sometimes not the way you want or hope or pray for. Sometimes people change. Situations change. Times and places change.

Someone once said to me, as I sat there with her under the stars by the water,

"You're not the Naz I knew from before."

Maybe she's right, or maybe people never really change, it's just that you realize the way they really are, and the penny drops as that understanding hits.

Of course, maybe it's all nothing, since I'm often accused of over-thinking things, of being over-analytical and looking too deeply into things.

Perhaps it's all just nonsense, ramblings, garbage, from someone missing sleep and food. And you.

But right now I'd give anything to have things the way there were when all I worried about was what the next colored flower would be. Or the best way to get home from Serangoon by bus.

Missing Something

She doesn't know, or doesn't care, that some of the things she's said recently have hurt me more than anything ever has.

Says I think too much, but that's all I have right now. Thoughts and memories.

Says her eyes are watering, she's so tired. I'm tired too, and so are mine.

Says we're fine, we're cool, and nothing's changed. Feels like she's drifting away.

Says things are the same. But she's wrong.

Said once it would have worked in another time and place. Times and places have changed, she's still right there.

Still here though, maybe stupidly. And it feels like I'm a different person to her now.

Probably not as pandai as she says I am. I don't know what to do anymore.

Just wish I could see her and believe in something again.

Questions

"I don't want people asking questions."

I've been asking them all this time. Afraid of the answers.

"How are things?"

"Not great, but that's expected."

"Damn."

"Not gonna give up, though."

"That's good, fight for your happiness."

Or else what else is there to fight for?

Weekend

Just had an interesting cab ride home where it seemed like the driver was high on something. Like a hyperactive bunny on crack.

Been having crazy late nights recently, and working just about every day as well. Fun, though I've lost track of days, and had to repeatedly turn down meeting the people most important to me. Hopefully things change soon, since I have an off day scheduled soon, along with rotating shifts so I work the earlier one and don't see myself in the (admittedly cool and fun) office until past midnight.

So after work today (yesterday?), packing up and flagging a cab, I was feeling pretty good about myself. One more day to a day of no work after all, and that's always fun, right? Walk out onto Lorong Chuan, within sight of SGPS, and there are three cabs waiting right there. Reject the Merc, even with the ability to be reimbursed the cab fare. Step then into the first "normal" cab and settle into the back seat.

"Uncle, Kembangan?"

"Can, can. You want go by highway or small road?"

"Small roads can. Hougang or Paya Lebar."

"Can can. Working here ah?"

"Yep."

"Wah, so late ah."

"Yep, this month quite crazy."

"Oh you at ESPN one ah?"

"Yep."

"Watch World Cup one ah?"

"Yep."

"Wah, this World Cup that Singtel very esspensive haw?"

In my sleepy state, I almost thought he was calling the telecommunications company an overpriced prostitute, though to most that wouldn't be far from the truth.

"Oh, yeah."

"Ya, yesterday that England oso, make me lose money haw."

"Heh, I don't think they are that good."

"Ya haw."

Have to try to resist a chuckle here.

"Heskey is useless."

"Aiyah that Heskey ah like a monkey haw. Then this Slovenia la, Slovakia la, Croatia la, Africa la, all cannot match haw? England only scared of Holland la, Argentina la, Germany la, Brazil la, Spain la, Italy la, Portugal la…"

At this point I have Inner Circle's Sweat ringing in my head.

"France is also quite bad."

"Aiyah that France haw, also lousy la haw? The Hand-ree oso now lousy haw."

"Yep."

"Then that Maradona haw, also siao one haw. And Ahjentina haw, oso cannot play liddat. Messi one person cannot haw."

"Yep."

"Rooney oso haw, so good but the rest of the team haw, lousy haw? But Capello clever haw? Bring all the friend. The Chelsea la, the Man Yew la, the Tor-turn-ham la, the Liverpool la."

"Yep."

"But Liverpool now so lousy ah. Good oso that Benitez go away. But maybe now that Gerrard and the Torres oso go haw."

"Yep."

"Wah I watch the match yesterday haw –"

"You subscribed to – "

"No la. So esspensive haw. My house there can get Malaysia one. You know right?"

"Yep."

"Braddel there. That Singtel ah, just like this gahment. So esspensive. You see, even the taxi also go up haw. But you can claim right?"

"Yep."

Here I begin to run out of ways to say yep. Thankfully, we're almost at Kembangan.

"Wah I tell you, haw, nowadays very hot."

"Mhmm."

Had to say something different. Whip out my phone in the hope someone calls. Unlikely. No.

"So tomorrow work haw?"

"Yep. Uncle can turn here, thank you. Then left right at the end."

"Turn right ah?"

"Left, left."

I realize my error and wonder why it's never been noticed before.

"Straight haw."

"Yep."

And home, and the weekend is GONE. Wow. I'm still coming to terms with the way everything is changing, but at least weird experiences on public transport will always be a constant. Should really be headed to bed, getting some sleep, but even with everything going on, some things (other than public transport) stay the same, even as I want other things to change.

I realize I sound less than coherent, I blame work and taxi drivers. And excess Thai food.

Rambling

So lately I've been dealing with a lot of things. Already mentioned work a couple of times and I've been spending the past couple of days planted in front of a Mac learning how to use Final Cup Pro for future video editing use. Still prefer Windows, even with its bugs and glitches and other nonsense, though I have to say I'm a huge fan of that function where you display all active windows and applications. I have no idea what that's called.

The World Cup starts in a few days, and just about every football fan will have their own opinions on how they see the tournament shaping up. I'll have my own too, of course, just not right now. Also since it's part of my job scope, I'd think that it'll be an interesting tournament, above all else.

But work and football aside, I've found myself more and more distracted lately.

No prizes for guessing what by, if you've been paying attention. I know some of you have.

I've always believed that it's very important to do what makes you happiest, to reach out and take what you believe does that to you. That's fair, isn't it?

But you don't always get what you want, that's the way it is as well. What then?

Do you ignore the setback, the obstacle, the impossible, and look for another way to make things work, to move past what's in your way, try and overcome whatever that problem might be?

Or do you instead take a step back and settle for what makes you happy instead of what makes you happiest?

A dangerous, tragic thing, that. And what kind of happiness is that where you know that you're missing out on what you really want?

Make no mistake. I'm not saying I'm depressed or (totally) broody or just plain emo. I'm just looking thinking aloud, or something.

Somebody told me once that she's selfish, after asking me an important question. Brought me back to a conversation we had a century ago, about how everyone was selfish. How everyone did things for themselves. How each and every individual is their own person, working towards their dreams and their goals and their desires.

Just have to realize though, that by going after what you believe makes you happiest, you set yourself up for everything but.

Then you got to ask yourself if that happiness is really worth all that.

And if it is, go for it.

No matter what.

Moon and Back

Head in the clouds on a night that was too much so.

Glittery stars only seen behind looming columns of marble and stone.

Detour to an old haunt with a new twist and a familiar face.

Probing questions under pensive circumstances.

A thoughtful look, things said unsaid.

And back again.

Tomorrow

It's been an interesting few days, with work and all. Most of the people who are considerate/unfortunate enough to pay attention to my being a social media butterfly would have known by now that I've been lucky enough to land a pretty fun gig at ESPN Star Sports as a production assistant. It's weird thinking about actually being part of the working community, and to be honest I never thought I'd enter the workforce this soon, or be lucky enough to get paid rating F1 crashes, among other things.

The people there are pretty nice too. Met a number of TV people, and have actually been working across Paula Malai Ali and with Sanjeev Palar the past couple of days. The interview itself was conducted by someone who's been on TV as well, and no, I have not met Jamie Yeo yet. But everyone seems friendly and funny. Fascinating at times.

Fact that there is no actual dress code helps, sure. Dressed all snazzy on Monday, leather shoes and all, but went to work in faded jeans and a T-shirt today. I've gone to school dressed better. No complaints, of course, and today I saw a dude come in berms and slippers. Hmm. Still like the shirts though.

Yet every day I find myself wanting more. Maybe I'm greedy. To many degrees I know I am. Not in a good way too, most times. Crazy and gutsy too, maybe.

Each day brings with it something new to learn at the workplace, somewhere I'm lucky enough to combine my passion for (some) sports and a growing interest in the media. Still, I find myself distracted most of the time, glancing at my phone on the table, taking a few moments to quote some useless fragment of an overheard conversation to try and make someone laugh, or hoping that by the end of the day, I can get off the train a little earlier and say hi.

There's tomorrow though. Tomorrow, tomorrow.

Hi.

Fairy Tale

With the release of another Shrek movie – am I the only person that thinks that the 3D version of a movie would have been marketed better if it were the third, rather than the fourth movie? – and McDonald's questionable tie-in with the strangely successful franchise, fairy-tales are on the agenda these days. What exactly is a fairy tale, though? Obviously doesn't only involve fairies per se, but more often than not include magical or incredible characters, items or places. So most Disney stories about princesses fall under the category very obviously, but then so do other stories like a witch living in a candy house or three talking bears sleeping in beds.

I'm not sure what my favorite fairy tale is. Perhaps it's because one of the earliest memories I have of my childhood is how most of the books we had at home were non-fiction. Titles like The Way Things Work or 365 Things to Know or The Great Book of Birds lined my bookshelf more than anything from Aesop or Mother Goose. Not complaining, of course. I loved looking at things like the mechanisms behind the firing of a laser or the similarities in dinosaur and avian skeletal structure or the formation of a white dwarf, rather than the adventures of seven others.

Things don't always have a fairy-tale end, though. Heck, they almost never have a fairy-tale anything, even if you do find yourself the beautiful princess or charming prince. Like fairies themselves, such stories are more often than not just that, stories, designed to address hopes and desires unattainable in most instances.

Like how I said so very long ago, though, stories are an important part of the way life is.

Today marks an important day for the story of my life, I feel. Can't wait for later.

Been doing a lot of thinking lately, though some might argue that I tend to overthink everything anyway. Certain things.

Remembering something that never happened, and how so much has since, is a weird kind of feeling or situation. Looking back at that sentence, I guess it's vague, at best, but have you ever had someone special in your life, someone so dear and who means or meant so much to you and find later that they simply… don't? I'm not talking about breaking up with a significant other, because mutual romantic feelings and relationships are always difficult and pose unique challenges themselves. But how someone can come into your life, share laughter and smiles every day with, and then quite suddenly stop. It's like a character in a story that's been hypnotized or taken over by something or body-snatched by pod-people. And even stranger still, I find myself undisturbed by it, only curious. Someone who knows about the situation asked me last night (this morning?) if I was alright over the whole thing, and I said yes. And I am, though that's a little crazy. But I guess we all are, eh?

Gave the whole situation until the end of today to sort itself out, before I'm closing that chapter. And opening another.

Monday morning sees me starting work for the first time. Not the enforced office-life of NS, or the horrors of giving tuition to slack-eyed boys and mindless zombies for a pittance. No, an actual job. Almost unreal, definitely surreal. I still find it hard to believe at times, and I've had about two weeks to digest it. I remember how I always wanted to be a scientist, growing up. To be precise, I wanted to be an inventor, though I don't think I've ever invented anything, and am not exactly the enterprising or revolutionary sort. But anyway, starting work tomorrow at a huge, multi-national media company, working on something I've always had a passion in. Dream job? Not quite, since there was actually something else I was eyeing, though with this one already in the bag I hope that other gig goes to that other geek.

Looks like I'll be taking the train a lot in the times to come, so maybe this space will be a lot more active. Not as long a ride as other times in the past, but I think we're all in for long rides, and it's just up to each and every one of us to write our own fairy tale endings.

Friends

Not too many sneaky messages in this one, sorry.

I've never been Mr. Popular. Not bitter about it, of course. On the contrary, I've always thought that having a few really good friends was infinitely more rewarding than boasting a congregation of people who claim to be a friend. Looking back, I think I've had my fair share of both, and probably been both to a few people as well.

One of my oldest friends, someone I've known for about twelve years now, only recently spoke about this very same thing to me. Got me thinking, maybe overthinking, but then you're already reading this so you kind of want to know already. I'll go through a few people who I've thought about recently, in no particular order. Maybe you know these people, and maybe not. Maybe I don't, either.

There's someone who I shared everything with, gave everything to. Was really my best friend for the longest time, even if I always knew that I was not that same friend to her, though I was something admittedly "more". I'd still count her as someone I care about, a friend who I would make the effort to help.

Another I met early on in my university life, someone who seemed quiet and low-profile, though nowadays that's hardly a label that could be used. Most times I can't bring myself to bother about this one fellow, and sometimes I find the feeling mutual. Perhaps it's the alcohol.

Someone who I've only really known for less than a year, it seems, though in that time she has shown that she would do so much to maintain what we have, and often times I catch myself taking her for granted. She even gave me a Coke can from Korea, not to mention burgers on my birthday.

A girl I met when I was fourteen or so, so very long ago. A friend of a relative, as well as a friend of someone I fancied. Broke off the ties to both, though the two of us remained sporadic chat-buddies for the better part of a decade, before something unexpectedly blossomed. I probably didn't treat this person as well as she deserved, in the end, though others say otherwise.

One fellow who tends to be present at gatherings that I frequent, though my distaste for him is fairly obvious, and he remains one of the few people I have literally screamed at in public. He calls me obnoxious, and I call him a total idiot. That he's a vandal doesn't help, and I'm not too perturbed if I never see him again.

A person who I cared about, more than anything, for the longest time. Something and nothing happened at the same time, before thousands of miles came between us. Now that the miles are gone it seems like the distance is even greater, and I surprise myself in not being sure how I feel about that.

Somebody I've thought very highly of for a while until recently, having found that he went out of his way to exclude someone else from a gathering of school-mates, hiding that fact from the others. And this after I had gone out of my way not to make him feel any more down. I'm not sure what he is to me right now.

And another I met the first day in Secondary School, before moving on the Junior College together. As the years went by, things have changed, and while our paths have diverged we've always remained close. I think it's fair to say, however, that I haven't made as much effort as he has. I want to change that.

The one who suggested the comics. Don't always agree on everything, including the Apple/Windows debate, but I've never thought of him as anything but a friend, and a good one. Loud, but in a good way. That he is at least as in love with Jessica Alba as I am makes it easier to manage, of course.

Someone who should stick to goalkeeping, unfortunately a Liverpool fan, though that allows me to ridicule him incessantly. Shared countless trips home together, and he actually apologized to me about not being a good friend. It should be the other way around. Something else I need, and want, to fix.

The one who you can hear swearing from the next room. Haven't always seen eye-to-eye, and I recently found that there were a few things about me she couldn't really stand. I hope I'm able to mend those bridges, though the cat-food looks like a good sign. Thanks.

The person who gets bullied and teased about what people say are her small eyes. Not even sure how we got close, though it looks like it will be a while before I can spend time with her again, due to school and work. Sometimes I feel that I don't know too much about her, and I wonder if it's because I haven't bothered. She won't say it, but I think that's the case.

Two long-haired girls who don't talk to me anymore. Honestly, I don't even care, and I wonder why I tried so hard. Good riddance.

Somebody who shares a passion for football and video games, though his insistence on singing Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber drives me up the wall. Still, somebody who I can count on for almost anything, and hopefully that's mutual.

An individual who I've known yet not known until recently. Unsure about what I feel about it, because so many habits the person has annoys me to the point of wanting to throttle her. She thinks I'm insincere and boring, and I don't know what I think of her. Okayyy.

The one with the scary smile, he's offered to try and help with the job-hunting, though I'm happy I was able to get one without the assistance. Much appreciated, however, and though we don't see each other or talk nearly as much as before, I'd call him a good friend.

Someone who I bothered to help out, talk to everyday, when she used to cry all the time because of two foreign guys in school. She said she wouldn't be stupid, and that promise lasted a few minutes. Good achievement, all things considered, and it's not even surprising anymore how it went from wiping away her tears to clicking "Hide" on Facebook. I tried.

The girl who insists on smacking me every chance she gets, though the arrangements (hugs for smacks) has lessened it somewhat. She's not everyone's favorite, but one of mine.

The girl who I only found after knowing her for years. She looks for On the Origin of Species at the bookstore, shares a passion for good music and TV, and squeals when confronted with dogs or cats. I find myself wondering what took me so long to get to where we are. Don't want to let that, or her, go.

There's more, of course. Of the good and the bad. I'm not even going to pretend that I'm in everyone's good books, and that's exactly my point.

Sometimes it's important to think about who it is you want to bother with, and then bother.

2009/2010 Season Review: Man Utd’s Perspective

A couple of ill-thought comments from a disgruntled Arsenal fan inspired this, so bear with me.

Tonight marks the close of the 2009/2010 European football season, and while my interest in the Champions' League final will only last as long as the ice cream and sandwiches do, I think the season in general has been a pretty good one. For a long time now, pundits and personalities have been talking about how the English Premier League campaign this year has been arguably the best one in a while, breaking away from the traditional two horse race between United and either Chelsea, Arsenal or Liverpool. Granted, the Gunners did finish meekly, but there was a period where they looked like serious contenders.

The season was always going to be a tough one for United. Losing two world class players – one of them to your city rivals, as well – is never going to be easy for any side that has prided itself on its attacking flair and tendencies. The losses, coupled with injuries to key players all over the pitch, made the job that much tougher.

Still no excuse, of course. Every team faces its own injury problems, and one will rightly argue that a side with the resources that Old Trafford has (despite the Red Knight debacle) could have and should have plastered over the cracks left by the departures and casualties. In recent seasons such names as David Silva, Fernando Torres, Arjen Robben, Ronaldinho, Miguel Veloso and Sergio Aguero have been linked to the Red Devils, though like Alan Shearer so long ago, none of those moves came to fruition.

That being said, though, the failure to capture Alan Shearer (supposedly because Alex Ferguson would not give him penalty-taking duties over one Eric Cantona) paved the way for Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, and the super-sub (alongside Teddy Sheringham), wrote themselves into the history books at the Nou Camp about eleven years ago. Stroke of good fortune, perhaps? Solskjaer and United won numerous titles during his time there (I'm not even going to try to list them), and Shearer… well. Moving on.

Transfers aside (I've already talked about Dimitar Berbatov and Michael Owen at length, as well as my thoughts on Giuseppe Rossi and Gerard Pique), I think United can be satisfied with their season. One trophy, the Quarter-Finals of the Champions' League, second place in the domestic league. Not to gloat, but Liverpool and Arsenal fans, "Man U didn't win anything" isn't anything you can gloat about either, looking at what everyone was left with once the dust had settled. Fabregas pining for a return to Spain and Anfield's dynamic duo looking dejected on the final day of the season aren't exactly positive omens for the future, as much as signing one striker (who should have arrived at least six months ago)

Hats off to Chelsea, though, who went through a season that was at least as turbulent and disruptive as United's. Also facing injuries to players like Michael Essien and both Coles, as well as the unnecessary drama surrounding John Terry's debauchery, together with managerial change, they came out on top in a season where most backed Liverpool, and bagged themselves the FA Cup to boot. Scoring so many goals and beating all the top sides (something United almost did in their aforementioned treble season).

Fantastic results against big sides (Milan and Spurs immediately come to mind) and Rooney's emergence as one of the greats despite his tender age affords United fans some measure of relief, though not nearly as much as a big trophy would. All due respect to the Carling Cup, of course. What United can take heart from is that Antonio Valencia and Nani seem to have matured into really big game players, and others like Ryan Giggs, Paul Scholes, Darren Fletcher, Edwin Van Der Sar, Patrice and Nemanja Vidic have continued to show why they warrant a place in the squad. The likes of Michael Carrick, Owen Hargreaves, Darron Gibson, Wes Brown and (sadly) Dimitar Berbatov will have to step up more in the months to come for United to improve on their second-placed finish, though.

So United didn't record their fourth consecutive Premier League title, and failed to set a new record for title wins that was for so long Anfield's. So Rooney didn't win the Golden Boot after scoring over thirty, creating a bunch more (including 9 goals and 5 assists in 9 for England) and winning the Player of the Year award. So the Champions's League eluded Ferguson again, after United finished as the British side that progressed the furthest alongside Arsenal. So United fell to such side as Burnley and Fulham and Everton, despite beating Arsenal, Liverpool and just about everyone else but Chelsea.

That's why the standings speak for themselves, though.

Am I disappointed that United finished like they did? Sure. Before the loss to Chelsea and the draw to Blackburn, the title was still firmly in the grasp of the wily old Scot. Poor performances can cost you, though, and they did. Still, in a season tinged with disappointment, I'm sure United fans will still rally behind their team, looking forward to 2010/2011. If it's any consolation to any of you, we still outdid the two other red teams, and I've yet to meet a Chelsea fan who has supported the side since Zola and Di Matteo were in it.

End

So that story is over. Did it even begin? Was it anything to anyone but me?

Always seemed like it wasn't happening at all anyway, that it wasn't part of the real world. Even when I made her mine.

That other time and place never came. Even though I waited, did all I could.

Still don't know how or why it came to this, but there's nothing to do but walk away. As hard as it is.

Things change, I guess. And maybe it's just left for everyone to see how much they have.

Was decided, bad sentence structure and all.

No more movie lines. No more lingering hugs, old-school music, National Geographic or laughing about douchebag friends. No more secret one-sided feelings bursting at the seams. No more being gutsy or honest or stupid. No more late night walks, inside jokes, wishlists, translations, numbered moods, re-watching TV shows and movies. No more surprise E-Mails or visits or roti john.

A long time ago it was more yes than no, now it's nothing at all.

Heart needs a break, and not the kind it's been getting.

Late Night

Long time ago, someone very dear to me said that she couldn't bear to listen to the Love Songs show weeknights on Class 95 because it was too painful. Back then, I nodded, saying I understood. I didn't, not until today. Don't think I can listen to a lot of things any more, not for a while yet. This isn't a love song, just something I wrote even before what most recently happened. Still apt, I guess, and like before, if you've been paying attention, there's more.

I miss you.
Waking up to a funny message or call.
Laughing about things and people and life and stuff.
The long talks we used to have everyday about everything.
Always I've thought things were good, great, fantastic.
The little things we always believed in.
Flowers, that blue one I got you that you liked and hid.
Late night walks and hugs and secrets.

I miss you.
Going to sleep with you on my mind.
Wondering if you felt the same way.
Time and place, you said, it was wrong.
Always seems to be wrong, but can't we make it right?
The big things that I said we could get around.
Maybe all I have left are the messages and memories.
It's just space you want, you say, but it feels like you're drifting away.

I miss you.
Getting tired of nothing you do.
Holding on when things seem bleak.
Not going home just to spend another minute with you.
Always I've been true, honest, gutsy, here.
Everything I feel I've poured out to you.
Nothing I do seems to work.
Alone again tonight.

I miss you.
Even though I know I shouldn't, shouldn't say it.
It's difficult not to, when I feel it.
It's true I was stupid, breaking my rules.
Always thought I could give you what you deserved.
Understood what that meant, what you wanted.
Until recently, I thought that you'd give this, give us a chance.
You stole my heart, broke it, still have it. Always will.

Want

"You don't always get what you want."

That's what she said to me so very long ago, though I'm reminded everyday.

I've always believed that you should at least try to get what you want though, if that makes you happy. I've been telling myself that to justify everything I've done recently. Maybe I'm right, maybe not. Who knows? Not me.

So it boils down to a matter of what I want.

I want that person, of course.

But not as much as I want her to be happy.

But right now it seems like the only thing I can do is wait. Wait for things to settle, for people to be ready. Then to see if it works, or happens.

In that other time and place.

What Now?

For the longest time, it all seemed set. Straightforward.

Graduate with decent, if not good, grades. Start work. Save. Get married to the obvious person.

Seems like another life, or the story of another person.

"I feel like you're a different person now."

That's what someone said to me a few days ago.

Gets that way sometimes, or maybe all the time, to everyone. Change. Maybe it's drastic, dramatic, or maybe it's gradual and gentle.

Circumstances, situations, feelings, people change.

Sometimes.

Not Going Anywhere

A bunch of people going through really rough patches the past few days or weeks, so hopefully things pick up for everyone. Developments have given some affirmation over difficult decisions, and others reason to doubt. For what it's worth, I think that even if mistakes have been made, the only thing that that means is that you have more opportunity to grow, instead. Cliché, I know, and you know how much I hate those.

Readers of this space – both the observant regulars and the casual ones – would have guessed by now that something's up. Some accost and try and cajole secrets to be revealed, but I'll just say that I'm not comfortable being too open about certain things.

But you write about those things on your awesome blog, you cry out. Yes, yes I do. And I write only as much as I am comfortable sharing right now. The clever ones may have seen more amidst the nonsense, perhaps, but the fact remains that right now, as ever, things are uncertain, and there's little point in raising any hopes for something that is at best a slim possibility. I'm not pessimistic, just realistic.

That being said, it's not like I don't talk or think about it.

"She sounds like a keeper."

"She is."

Conversation with a friend of mine only recently.

Thing is, I still don't really know what she thinks.

Sometimes it feels right, and it's going to work simply because it seems so natural. Other times it feels like I'm fishing with the wrong bait. Or no bait at all. Watching that one get away.

Those times it feels like nothing is going anywhere.

But I guess the only thing to do is stick.

I'm not going anywhere.

Trust

A funny thing.

Can't hold it, yet it weighs heavily.

Can't put a price to it, but it's valued above all else.

Can't paint it, picture it, but you can see when it's there.

Takes an age to build up, and can be destroyed in an instant.

And no matter how much you think you have, sometimes it's not enough.

Promises

Lately that word's been cropping up a lot. With you.

Some people use it lightly, though I'd like to think I'm not one of them. Promises I make, I keep. Trust me.

At the same time, I'd expect the same from anyone else.

You can't always ask for a promise though. And I'm not.

And sometimes you just have to go with it, even without that assurance.

Hold That Thought

Many of us are guilty of wishful thinking. Few more so than me. The events of the last few weeks have given me a lot to think about, to dream about. To hope for. Your fault, heh.

Dangerous thing, this. Hope. Lost it a long time ago.

So I've decided to discard it. The cliché of there always being hope is a nice thought, but with hope comes expectation and the possibility of disappointment and heartbreak. Again.

I'm not pessimistic though. Even though I'm sad.

Just realistic. Thoughtful, pensive, broody.

Things don't happen unless you do something, I believe. So that's what I'll do. What I'm doing. Right place at the right time. Right person.

Holding that thought. Holding on for you.

Also, hello to the new visitors.

Little Miss Honesty

"Oh, you wanna hear something honest?"

"Always."

"I do kinda miss you."

"Smiling like an idiot now."

"Really? Haha."

"Really."

Really. Honesty rocks.

A Mess

I wonder, sometimes, many times, where everything is going. Especially with you.

Those closest to me joke about things that affect me the most, and truth be told I'm perfectly alright with the jibes. Humor and laughter are important parts of my life.

But then there are times where I start to wonder if it's all going to be one big joke and nothing else.

Almost unreal how things have worked out, the way I'm spending my time. How I think only of you.

Never thought it would be this way, but then who can ever predict how anything turns out?

Not me, not now. Sometimes I'm afraid to hope.

May

For the longest time, the month was a really exciting, meaningful one for me.

A lot has changed in the past year or so, and now this period doesn't hold the wonder it used to.

No bitterness, just the way things are.

Sleep

For most my life I've been able to fall asleep rather easily, and am usually a rather good morning person. Lately though, it's taken a long time to go to sleep.

Of course, it's by choice.

"Worth losing sleep over"

That's what someone said. I guess she was right, in more ways than one.

Bias

Normally, I'm against bias, striving for something impartial and fair and just. Lately, though, I've been talking to someone a lot and that someone keeps saying I'm biased.

They point to the fact that I seem to tolerate certain things that I normally wouldn't, and then triumphantly exclaim, with much aplomb, that such an overwhelming bias seems to be demonstrated by your truly. But that's just it, I think. Embracing someone in spite of all the things you normally wouldn't.

Maybe I am supremely biased, but so what? That's just the thing. Isn't that what love is?

The best kind of bias.

Sometimes

Sometimes it feels like we're as close as two people can be, closer than anything or anyone anywhere and anytime. When I'm holding you, hand-in-hand, face in your hair.

Other times it feels like you're a million miles away. And it's those times that I realize how much I want you, when I'd walk those miles to be with you.

Man Utd 3-1 Tottenham

It's said that you make your own luck, and detractors of Manchester United will be pointing to the fortune of the Red Devils as they came away with a 3-1 win at Old Trafford against a distinctly uninspired Spurs earlier today. Two penalties sent United back to the summit of the Premier League, but unlike the controversy that surrounded the one won by Michael Carrick at White Hart Lane earlier this season, the brace that Ryan Giggs dispatched were as clear as any in recent memory.

After a lackluster first half, characterized more by Wilson Palacious' poor performance than anything else, United fans may have been worried. Missing the mercurial Wayne Rooney, the home side lined up 4-5-1, with Dimitar Berbatov spearheading the team's attack against the side that brought him to English football. The lanky Bulgarian has been criticized from nearly all corners since he signed for Sir Alex Ferguson's side, with many claiming his "languid" approach did not gel with the quick style that United so enjoy. Rooney himself seems a much better alternative, certainly, and few would argue against it. Carlos Tevez seemed liked a better choice as well, and his form for the blue half of Manchester suggests that perhaps United would have been better off spending a significant chunk of Cristiano Ronaldo's transfer fee on retaining the tenacious Argentine rather than keep faith in the striker who seems a mere shadow of Eric Cantona.

Tevez, and probably Rooney, for the matter, would not have been able to find Patrice Evra with a delicate backheel after holding off an opposing defender, winning the penalty that lead to the opening goal, however. Indeed, Wayne Rooney's biggest weakness is perhaps his temperament and after a frustrating 45 minutes, he probably would have swung wildly at the ball (or a defender) stuck under his feet. Granted, Rooney's attitude has improved at least as much as his finishing, but the flak that Berbatov receives is overwhelming at the best of times, and it is unfair to expect the same kind of performances he enjoyed at Spurs and Leverkusen when he is now played alone upfront against teams set out to defend. An accomplished performance from the Bulgarian against a team who can be genuinely considered a "Top Four Side".

Much of the hype before the game surrounded the sensational form of Gareth Bale, touted by some as the next Ryan Giggs. Comparisons to the Welsh legend are inevitable, one supposes, seeing as how both share so many attributes. Still, on the day, the senior Welshman scored twice, leading his team to victory, while Bale had his hands full shackling Antonio Valencia, who went off injured.

Another United casualty, Patrice Evra, appeared to be suffering from illness rather than injury, with the commentators joking that his retching on the field was in part due to the introduction of a returning Aaron Lennon. But the best reactions on the night were reserved, deservedly, for Nani's delicate chip for United's second goal after being put through by young Macheda, impressing during his short cameo appearance. The Italian, alongside United's other substitutions, bringing on John O'Shea as well as Michael Carrick, demonstrated a strength in depth that just about every club in the division would envy. Harry Redknapp, on the other hand, was forced to shuffle his players around, and saw his side concede almost immediately after taking off Jermaine Defoe, arguably their best striker. The introduction of Chelsea old boy Eidur Gudjohnsen did little to affect the course of the game, though, with Nemaja Vidic's timely interception in particular nullifying the Icelandic forward's contribution. Tom Huddlestone, David Bentley and Luka Modric especially were surprisingly disappointing as well, and so was Roman Pavlyuchenko, though after the Russia's shocking misses against Chelsea last time out one wonders if that was to be expected. With all of Tottenham's attacking flair, it took a combination of a determined leap from their captain Ledley King – and poor positioning from Rafael Da Silva – to bag a goal, albeit from a set piece.

Ultimately, the result may have boiled down to a series of errors from an underperforming Tottenham side rather than a rampant Red Devils. The scoreline did not flatter the home side, yet they did not play particularly well. United and their fans will be delighted with the result against a side in top form. Denying the men from London a famous hat-trick of wins against the big sides, the Red Devils now need to maintain their form, and their fortune, and hope that the other Londeners throw their league aspirations away.

Buffed

I can still remember my first day as a UB student.

Walked into that big-ass lecture theatre, sat myself down. Picked the second-last seat in the row, since it was both convenient and not as standoff-ish as plonking yourself down in the very last seat and giving everyone reason to avoid saying "excuse me" on the first day of school, bright and early.

Saw an army buddy, in those Oakleys that I had too (I got them first!). Looked around again.

Quirky-looking girl shuffled in, pushing her glasses up her nose nervously. Pointed at the empty seat.

"Eh-eh-excuse me. But can I sit here?"

I stifled a chuckle, her huge black plastic rims and checkered shirt settling down as well.

Couple hours later, I was outside the freezing room, lining up for free coffee (remember those?), and that quiet girl was cursing like a drunken sailor together with this white girl with loud eyeshadow.

Spent the first few months around the same group of people that the seniors made us run around Orchard with, and to this day it's some of these people who remain some of my most favorite persons. Some I don't talk to or see as much as I'd like, but maybe that will change. Maybe. Some of them shower in four minutes and have an obsession with Pokemon. Others work themselves up into a frantic frenzy about a possibly wrongly-answered question in a Math test, only to ace it, deeming it "OK lah."

Met a few other people quite soon after. Guy with a spandex fetish. Another funky girl with short hair. The business fella. Atas one.

Some time later, grew close to a few others. The one on vacation from Taiwan, with whom things have sometimes been tenuous. He can remember that Vitamin C deficiency leads to scurvy. And come up with an almost encyclopedic amount of written material on command, it seems.

There was a year or so where I tolerated some questionable characters and behavior from certain individuals, though that finally stopped. Some say it should have happened sooner, others say I was stupid to begin with. They're all probably right.

Finally got to know the girl with flappy ears, the innocent short one, and that foul-mouthed White Girl from earlier, who by now was happily attached (and perpetually… attached) to Mr. Spandex. Also people like the celebrity from Chestnut Drive, Captain Cap, the Family Man, the one with the Joker-smile, a Minah, Guiza, Headphone Girl, Baking Girl, Madame President, Orange Pants, Purple Hair. Good times.

Awesome times.

Laughing, football, random outings, projects, pretending to study.

Huddled at Lido late in the evening with Flappy and Shorty, sighing as they tried to make me feel better about things. Crash course in stats, Mortal Kombat with White Girl at West Coast. Driving back and watching the sun set in the distance.

McDonald's breakfasts and introduction to ice cream cakes with the chart-topper from Chestnut Drive. Wonder if she still scribbles, and if she can park yet.

A whole lot of nonsense, usually involving music and singing and acting like an idiot, with Captain Cap and Family Man. I won't forget what you got me to do at Fish & Co. Or the A1 boyband antics. Garlic Naan in Kembangan.

Talking about so many things with Joker Smile dude and his Liquid Designer. DotA, United and Liverpool, NS, people, life. Late night French Fries with Cap'n Cap and Family Man in Chinatown.

LAN sessions with many of them. Ownage and being owned. Terrorists, Zombies, Scouts, Creeps.

Deal with that Minah, so she'd stop smacking me. But she still does, from time to time. Prata and KFC suppers.

Heckload of time with Guiza, not only because of the craptastic amount of work and classes we got dumped together in. Joined by Headphone Girl, with many stupidly late nights spent trying to start studying. Failing but not caring most times.

Brownies and burgers and lollipops and CDs and plastic straw constructions from Baking Girl.

Madame President sat down with me in the smelly canteen, asked me to do something I didn't originally believe in. Convinced me I could and should do it. I don't regret it, and it's perhaps something that really defined the way my time went, and for that I'm thankful and honored. She still owes me dinner.

Crazy talk with Orange Pants. Late night train rides with her red-eyed and wobbly, laughing, people watching us uneasily. Silly quack.

Inside jokes and 80's music with Purple Hair. Mythbusters, Toto, Roti John, b.o.b., Attenborough, black holes, quantum physics, Friends.

Friends.

That's what I remember, look back fondly at, when looking at the past few years. Haven't mentioned everyone. Not nearly. Not even close.

Amazing

Past few days have been spectacular, actually. Filled with things I didn't expect, couldn't have asked for. You. With me. Here.

Nothing earth-shattering or world-changing, I think, but still. Spectacular to me, because it just is.

Everything brings back memories, but now better ones are being forged.

Surprises and quiet walks, cheery rain and closeness. Face in your hair.

C'mere. Sorry 'bout tickling your neck.

Stupid

Everyone is stupid from time to time. Some have flashes of inspired stupidity more often than others, and there are those who seem to be perpetually mired in its depths. I'm sorry I'm stupid.

My turn. Drop everything and run to me. It'll work. I promise.

Definitions

I recently read about how some believe love is when you care about someone or something more than caring about yourself.

Another one was that love was something that opened a chamber of your heart to happiness and pain, lots of both, but when you feel that the pain is worth it all.

Someone asked about happiness, if one would sacrifice his or hers to avoid misery. But can you be not miserable if you aren't happy? But can you be happy and miserable at the same time?

Questions, abstract thoughts, all without any resolution, it seems. But I love you, you make me happy and sad. And it's worth it.

What You Don’t See

Another long day.
                                  So close to touch but yet so far
And night full of thoughts.
                                 With leaves and stars and walks all week
It's hard, I say.
                                 It seems no matter where you are
Doing what you ought.
                                 With just a smile my knees go weak

You ask what's wrong.
                                 It's bittersweet with ups and down
Under that tree.
                                 The midnight talks and long rides home
Been there all along.
                                 With you the smiles are all around
And always I've seen.
                                 But in the end I'm still alone

Back To The Real World

"Eye level"

And she rose up from the seat shaped like a tree stump, planting herself on the similarly-decorated table. For a moment she said nothing more, eyes flashing under the moonlight, the amber glow of the streetlamps casting a yellow haze on the night. The breeze snaked through the quiet buildings, lending a coolness to the warm evening. A wisp of hair, unruly and disobedient, fell across her eyes and she flicked it over a bare shoulder.

"Hi."

"Hi."

"Doing good?"

"Mhmm."

"Thanks for tonight."

"You don't have to thank me. I like nights like this."

"I like the company."

A smile, and then mirrored an instant later. Looking away after a long heartbeat, before his gaze trailed back. Absently reaching. A Beatles classic as a group of strangers walked past in the distance, their laughter echoing that of the midnight pair under the leaves and stars. Staring.

"We should be getting back."

"In a minute."

And so the minute passed, and two pairs of footsteps moved through the gloom. Hands reaching for each other in the quiet, over imagined obstacles.

"We could… stay."

"No, no we can't. Time to get back to the real world."

"This is the real world to me. This is more real than anything else."

"Don't."

"It's true."

"I know. I just don't know what it is you see. I don't understand."

"And that's just one more thing to add to the list of things I love about you."

"Stop -"

"Hammertime?"

Laughter once more. They stepped around dirt and debris, watching for cars and hidden steps. Arms around one another, silent except for the sighs.

"Thank you."

"I told you, you didn't have to thank me."

"You gave me a night where I couldn't stop smiling. For that I can't thank you enough."

Another smile, matched once more. Hair in his face.

"Let's go."

"Mhmm."

An embrace.

"Good night."

That Hocus Pocus

Been a strange couple of weeks, to say the least. With work piling up, the last thing anyone needs is more stuff on their plate.

But here it is. Quite suddenly, unexpectedly, irresistibly. Just like you.

I love it. I love everything that's going on and hate it all the same.

Questions have been raised, whispers and doubts. Concerns of if's and should's and thoughts of how things may have been different. About being selfish or sneaky, long phone calls and big hugs and silly smiles. Movies and bread. Holding you.

How's it going to end? I want you for myself. All of you.

Wishlist

Normally I'm against posts that do nothing but announce to the world what you want for your birthday, but mine is still a ways away, and I'm just killing time anyway. Here goes.

Football every week, with the people I've been playing with. All of them

Electric shaver, one of those nice ones

Louder, clearer earphones and your taste in great songs.

Ice cream with you.

Cash, lots of it so I could get you what you wanted.

Irritating people to go away and for you to be here.

All and everything I want, no matter the cost

To know sign language

A new shirt. Purple, maybe like the one you like.

You and only you.

Bittersweet

What do you do when the thing that makes you happiest also makes you sad?

"I miss you."

"Don't."

"Too late."

"That could be something from a movie."

"You're the star even if that movie's never shot."

Starry Starry Night

A long, long day.

Started and ended almost magically, with time seeming to vanish and stars appearing in the purple skies.

Walking along, the view was stunning, and that was before I even looked up at the clouds.

Distractions

Ton of work to do. Things to write and review, edit and compile.

Yet I find my attention fixated on things anything but academic. Losing sleep, long moments in silence, echoing laughter punctuated by knowing smiles.

Honesty has always been something I've advocated, believed in, practiced. It can be scary sometimes, I'm told, but then in those times I find myself realizing that there is little need to be anything but totally truthful, baring it all with nothing to hide. Frighteningly so, but then lately there have been a few uncommon labels being cast about.

Is that so wrong?

Sinister romantic.

The Fool

Exam in less than half an hour, and my mind is filled with a vision, but not the neurology kind that is being tested.