What Are You Smoking, Paula?

American Idol airs at least twice a week in many English-speaking countires. In Singapore, there are as many as four telecasts on the same day across the various channels if you're lucky. Now, I confess to being sort of a fan of the series, in not the most dedicated one.

I watch American Idol mostly for the auditions and the rejects and wannabe "singers" who apparently have friends with no ears. It's almost the same reason I enjoy watching Formula 1 racing, why I pay the most attention to the first lap or so, when the crashes come thick and fast. A car wreck, that's the best way to describe some "contestants" on American Idol at times. Screeching, mangled, twisted and very, very painful.

Some would argue that this season's line-up isn't quite a "talented" as those of previous seasons. Others would beg to differ, pointing at the excellent Jordin Sparks or Lakisha. I'll get to them in due time. But first, to the misses.

One of the last people cut from the show upon receiving the Golden Ticket to Hollywood was someone by the name of... Sundance Head. Now, you'd need to be a star to pull off having a name like that anywhere in the English-speaking world. Can you imagine his childhood? On the playground?

"Sundance Sundance Sundaaaaaaaaaance!!!!"

You need to be really tough to live with a name like that. And with a last name of Head, you're just begging for it. Of course, Nazreen is traditionally a girl's name. But shush.

Then there was young pretty Antonella Barba. From the get-go, I thought she wouldn't make it too far in the competition, and that her looks would far surpass her vocal talents in the votes department. Then the revelation that some ex-boyfriend of hers had secretly taken "intimate pictures" of them together and posted them on the Internet sparked huge controversy. Well, sex sells, they say. She's gone by now, and not before belting out a few not-so-spectacular tracks. Unless you count spectacular misses. I guess Playboy is always an option, eh?

The remaining contestants, at the time of writing, are a pretty diverse bunch. Like mentioned before, there are a few that you lsiten to and go "Hey, there's a hit right there". And others you'd wish would stop getting so many votes.

Sanjaya. Let's start off with him. Firstly, he's still there. He auditioned with his sister, and many originally thought he was always going to be the second best singer there anyway. Week after week, he's widely regarded as the weakest singer out there, but he pulls through and makes it to the next round. Maybe it's the Michael Jackson hair. Or the eyebrows. Or maybe the crying schoolgirl he hugged went home to beg all her equally tear-shot friends to vote for the little Indian man. Others just point out that America has many cab-drivers.

Melinda. She makes Paula cry. But so many things make Paula cry. Still, I'd guess that she's probaby the top two or three pure vocalists in the competition this season. If only she didn't look like a black Shrek. It's the neck, or lack thereof. Still, she appears genuinely nice, and can sing. I mean, really, really sing.

Gina. The resident rocker. Last season, it was Chris. This season, it's like comparing Carrick to Keane. Pardew to Curbishley (at Charlton). The original will almost always outshine the pretenders. To be fair to Gina, she isn't half bad, but she doesn't have the ability or charisma of Chris to make it nearly as far. That and so many other girls outshine her. She's got red hair, that's how many know her.

Stephanie. Latest to be voted out. I never really fancied her. OK, she's a reasonably good singer. Better than Sanjaya, people mutter. Stephen Hawking could probably sing better than Sanjaya. I said to my sister earlier tonight, when they were showing the "goodbye" footage of Stephanie Edwards...

"Stephanie is just a less ugly, less annoying version of Fantasia."

And Fantasia won. And had a movie. Is this season really that bad?

Halle. The one many expect to be out soon. Another one of those "eye candy" sorts, she's just unlucky more than anything else. Unlucky that she wasn't the best looking to begin with, and by no stretch of the best singer.

Phil. The bald sailor. I thought he was pretty good, but he's too inconsistent to go really far, I think... Was sweet what he did during the auditions, though.

Lakisha. The one Randy loves. Simon usually comments on her dressing more than anything, but it's hard to ignore that she's good. Or is it? Is she really a better singer than either Melinda/Shrek or Sparkly Jordin? I don't think so. I have this wacky theory that many... plus sized singers are really overrated because of their size. It's sort of a reverse psychology thing.

"Oh hell no! You aren't anywhere near Idol standard!"

See, you can't say that. Because a part of you is telling you that you only think so because he or she is fat. Really. Think about it.

Who else did I miss? There are two Chris'es and a Blake somewhere, but we all know a girl is going to win this year. Most probably a black girl. Nothing against that, just the probability. And common sense...

You know, I think I've wasted enough of your time here. I'll leave you now with a question of my own.

Why do all female judges in Idol-type competitions always appear and act... high?