Hot Dog

I'm a cat lover. It's true. I regularly make cute noises and/or snap my fingers at any half-cute cat I see wherever I go.

I usually don't have anything in particular against dogs, though. A certain someone and her Fluffy would attest to that as well. By the way, I still think the other one comes from the pits of hell.

Most dogs can be lovable and cuddly, things you'd go ga-ga over, almost like an extra-hairy little baby. Except I don't usually have the urge to kick them. So many movies and films have been made about dogs, not too many on cats, so surely they must all be this way, no?

All except the ones in Lorong Melayu.

You know how weird or scary or freaky or horny things happen on one particular street or district? Like Elm Street or Fear Street or Sesame Street? Well, down here in ol' Singapore, we have our very own stretch of road where dogs turn into vicious little mongrels.

There is a house there, with a flat-screen plasma TV. Now, you might think that many a house would have that spiffy addition to their living and/or bedroom(s), yes? You'd be right, too. But stay with me here, this house in particular has said appliance outside its walls. Yes, outside.

Like, climb-over-my-gate-and-run-off-with-my-Sony outside.

You can even grab a few pillows and cushions while you're at it.

Of course, I haven't finished my narrative. This beacon of pilferage is often watched over by a sentry. Not an armed security guard or anything, but a dog.

You see what I did there? I put everything together? Back to my story...

At first glance, the dog isn't all that impressive. Not big and imposing like a German Shepard or inspiring terror like a pit-bull. It's just... there. Still, the first glance is all it takes for the little bastard to snap.

And I mean snap.

If you've ever seen someone go beserk, or an elephant run amok, you'd know how someone or something can snap. Rage, drunkedness, so many things can lead to somebody just losing it. Unfortunately for the residents of Lorong Melayu, even a gust of wind can set this volatile freak off.

I've been walking down that stretch of road for over half a decade now, and I can safely say that there has never been a time where I had not been barked at by some crazy dicked bitch whith the intensity of Leonidas hurling his spear at Xerxes.

Seriously, that little monster sounds like he has a lighted pineapple up his urethra, barking like his owner's spiked his food with ecstacy. Now, that'd be funny. A canine junkie. But then I wouldn't be surprised if this one was thrown out of some competition years ago after failing a doping test.

I must confess, there have been many a time where I've walked my lady love home on a dark, quiet night, with only the wind and the stars to accompany our silent footfalls, only to have our moment shattered by a yipping that can only be described as moronic and maniacal.

Sigh. What I'd give for a shank of meat coated in arsenic.