I find myself online at 5.33 in the morning, after just getting home from work. Spain beat Germany in a thoroughly engaging game, and I didn't kill myself or anyone else while driving in a semi-comatose state.

Been having a lot of things run through this head of mine the past few days, as well as spending quite a bit of cash though that's a forgivable rarity, and it was worth it.

See how it goes, I guess, though that's always been the case eh?

Don't always get what we want, or have things turn out the way we'd like.

Backspace

I have a tendency to start writing and not finis –

Yeah.

It'd be awesome, I guess, to be able to just hit backspace in real life and redo things.

Right?

I'm gonna write this entry and not hit backspace at all.

I'm at a point in my life where th that seems wide open. Big things happening all around, and som most times it seems that I'm barely aware of the very things that are most important, or should be the most important to me. Most day hou of the time I catch myself tinking about things I shouldn't be thinking of like that amazingly annoying YOG song instead of things that people tell me I should. Are they right? Maybe. Probably.

So here I am, right, at this point, this chapter of a my the story, where whatever comes next seems like a big mystery questi unknown clusterfu voi unknown. A long time ago, A while back, I wrote about how we all live and write the stories of our lives. Of course, I now realize that I also referenced that in a much more recent entry, so just bear stay with me.

Every story has a start, a beginning and an end. Pretty simple, straightforward and duh. Once upon a time, we had something.

What most people don't see or understand though, is that often times you don't know if something is the beginning or the end of the story. I'm not even talking about "the end is the beginning is the end" or a ra anything else. Just that sometimes you've got to catch yourself and stop to take a look at things, put things in perspective.

Sometimes you've got to ask yourself if it's all worth it, if it things are going the way you want them to, and if you need to change anything. If you want to change anything. If you can even change anything. Not always the case, of course. Plenty of hopeless situations, though there are probably more seemingly hopeless ones that than genuine ones.

What about me? Do you wanna know about me? Probably. That's why you're here, right? I wish you were here.

I spend most of my time distracted, or trying to distract myself. When I think about that in itself, I begin to wonder if which one is more true or accurate. Lately it's been harder and harder to stay distracted, or to keep myself distracted from tha what's been keeping me up at night or and what's been on my mind the most. If you've been reading this space, or and if you're at least half rational an or able to see certain things or read between the lines, you might know what I'm talking about.

Asked myself what's going on. A love for music is something I really loved in her.

Someone el Three people have recently said that they're surprised at "this side of me" or that they "didn't know this side of Naz existed".

Neither did I. Neither did you.

But I'm not sure how I feel about that. Would I want t Done a few things I might have not under different circumstances, and not ta totally regretted them. Would I have mashed the backspace key given the chance? I'm still not sure. As it is, this entry looks like what things are now. Pieces of nonsense flying in different directions, and messy as hell.

There's still something there, though. Always has, always will.

Loose Change

Only people you should change for are those who love you the way you are.

That's what I've always believed.

And in the past few months I can count on one hand the number of times I've dropped the F-bomb.

Made the effort to be around people I wouldn't normally entertain, or layan.

Stopped speeding.

Spending money on Bird Park in the rain. Spontaneous Night Safari adventure.

Braving the weather in less-than-convenient attire.

Going to Jurong at least once a week, not for football.

Went on shopping trips and looked for obscure books.

Started to love Class 95. And now can't listen to it.

Even grew out the hair. She said she liked the hair longer.

Not good enough though.

It's a funny thing that, change.

Extreme cliché to call it the constant, when some people never do, but yet there it is.

Staring at many of us in the face, while other race towards it, purposefully or otherwise. Sometimes things change when you least expect them, sometimes not the way you want or hope or pray for. Sometimes people change. Situations change. Times and places change.

Someone once said to me, as I sat there with her under the stars by the water,

"You're not the Naz I knew from before."

Maybe she's right, or maybe people never really change, it's just that you realize the way they really are, and the penny drops as that understanding hits.

Of course, maybe it's all nothing, since I'm often accused of over-thinking things, of being over-analytical and looking too deeply into things.

Perhaps it's all just nonsense, ramblings, garbage, from someone missing sleep and food. And you.

But right now I'd give anything to have things the way there were when all I worried about was what the next colored flower would be. Or the best way to get home from Serangoon by bus.

Missing Something

She doesn't know, or doesn't care, that some of the things she's said recently have hurt me more than anything ever has.

Says I think too much, but that's all I have right now. Thoughts and memories.

Says her eyes are watering, she's so tired. I'm tired too, and so are mine.

Says we're fine, we're cool, and nothing's changed. Feels like she's drifting away.

Says things are the same. But she's wrong.

Said once it would have worked in another time and place. Times and places have changed, she's still right there.

Still here though, maybe stupidly. And it feels like I'm a different person to her now.

Probably not as pandai as she says I am. I don't know what to do anymore.

Just wish I could see her and believe in something again.

Questions

"I don't want people asking questions."

I've been asking them all this time. Afraid of the answers.

"How are things?"

"Not great, but that's expected."

"Damn."

"Not gonna give up, though."

"That's good, fight for your happiness."

Or else what else is there to fight for?

Weekend

Just had an interesting cab ride home where it seemed like the driver was high on something. Like a hyperactive bunny on crack.

Been having crazy late nights recently, and working just about every day as well. Fun, though I've lost track of days, and had to repeatedly turn down meeting the people most important to me. Hopefully things change soon, since I have an off day scheduled soon, along with rotating shifts so I work the earlier one and don't see myself in the (admittedly cool and fun) office until past midnight.

So after work today (yesterday?), packing up and flagging a cab, I was feeling pretty good about myself. One more day to a day of no work after all, and that's always fun, right? Walk out onto Lorong Chuan, within sight of SGPS, and there are three cabs waiting right there. Reject the Merc, even with the ability to be reimbursed the cab fare. Step then into the first "normal" cab and settle into the back seat.

"Uncle, Kembangan?"

"Can, can. You want go by highway or small road?"

"Small roads can. Hougang or Paya Lebar."

"Can can. Working here ah?"

"Yep."

"Wah, so late ah."

"Yep, this month quite crazy."

"Oh you at ESPN one ah?"

"Yep."

"Watch World Cup one ah?"

"Yep."

"Wah, this World Cup that Singtel very esspensive haw?"

In my sleepy state, I almost thought he was calling the telecommunications company an overpriced prostitute, though to most that wouldn't be far from the truth.

"Oh, yeah."

"Ya, yesterday that England oso, make me lose money haw."

"Heh, I don't think they are that good."

"Ya haw."

Have to try to resist a chuckle here.

"Heskey is useless."

"Aiyah that Heskey ah like a monkey haw. Then this Slovenia la, Slovakia la, Croatia la, Africa la, all cannot match haw? England only scared of Holland la, Argentina la, Germany la, Brazil la, Spain la, Italy la, Portugal la…"

At this point I have Inner Circle's Sweat ringing in my head.

"France is also quite bad."

"Aiyah that France haw, also lousy la haw? The Hand-ree oso now lousy haw."

"Yep."

"Then that Maradona haw, also siao one haw. And Ahjentina haw, oso cannot play liddat. Messi one person cannot haw."

"Yep."

"Rooney oso haw, so good but the rest of the team haw, lousy haw? But Capello clever haw? Bring all the friend. The Chelsea la, the Man Yew la, the Tor-turn-ham la, the Liverpool la."

"Yep."

"But Liverpool now so lousy ah. Good oso that Benitez go away. But maybe now that Gerrard and the Torres oso go haw."

"Yep."

"Wah I watch the match yesterday haw –"

"You subscribed to – "

"No la. So esspensive haw. My house there can get Malaysia one. You know right?"

"Yep."

"Braddel there. That Singtel ah, just like this gahment. So esspensive. You see, even the taxi also go up haw. But you can claim right?"

"Yep."

Here I begin to run out of ways to say yep. Thankfully, we're almost at Kembangan.

"Wah I tell you, haw, nowadays very hot."

"Mhmm."

Had to say something different. Whip out my phone in the hope someone calls. Unlikely. No.

"So tomorrow work haw?"

"Yep. Uncle can turn here, thank you. Then left right at the end."

"Turn right ah?"

"Left, left."

I realize my error and wonder why it's never been noticed before.

"Straight haw."

"Yep."

And home, and the weekend is GONE. Wow. I'm still coming to terms with the way everything is changing, but at least weird experiences on public transport will always be a constant. Should really be headed to bed, getting some sleep, but even with everything going on, some things (other than public transport) stay the same, even as I want other things to change.

I realize I sound less than coherent, I blame work and taxi drivers. And excess Thai food.

Rambling

So lately I've been dealing with a lot of things. Already mentioned work a couple of times and I've been spending the past couple of days planted in front of a Mac learning how to use Final Cup Pro for future video editing use. Still prefer Windows, even with its bugs and glitches and other nonsense, though I have to say I'm a huge fan of that function where you display all active windows and applications. I have no idea what that's called.

The World Cup starts in a few days, and just about every football fan will have their own opinions on how they see the tournament shaping up. I'll have my own too, of course, just not right now. Also since it's part of my job scope, I'd think that it'll be an interesting tournament, above all else.

But work and football aside, I've found myself more and more distracted lately.

No prizes for guessing what by, if you've been paying attention. I know some of you have.

I've always believed that it's very important to do what makes you happiest, to reach out and take what you believe does that to you. That's fair, isn't it?

But you don't always get what you want, that's the way it is as well. What then?

Do you ignore the setback, the obstacle, the impossible, and look for another way to make things work, to move past what's in your way, try and overcome whatever that problem might be?

Or do you instead take a step back and settle for what makes you happy instead of what makes you happiest?

A dangerous, tragic thing, that. And what kind of happiness is that where you know that you're missing out on what you really want?

Make no mistake. I'm not saying I'm depressed or (totally) broody or just plain emo. I'm just looking thinking aloud, or something.

Somebody told me once that she's selfish, after asking me an important question. Brought me back to a conversation we had a century ago, about how everyone was selfish. How everyone did things for themselves. How each and every individual is their own person, working towards their dreams and their goals and their desires.

Just have to realize though, that by going after what you believe makes you happiest, you set yourself up for everything but.

Then you got to ask yourself if that happiness is really worth all that.

And if it is, go for it.

No matter what.

Moon and Back

Head in the clouds on a night that was too much so.

Glittery stars only seen behind looming columns of marble and stone.

Detour to an old haunt with a new twist and a familiar face.

Probing questions under pensive circumstances.

A thoughtful look, things said unsaid.

And back again.

Tomorrow

It's been an interesting few days, with work and all. Most of the people who are considerate/unfortunate enough to pay attention to my being a social media butterfly would have known by now that I've been lucky enough to land a pretty fun gig at ESPN Star Sports as a production assistant. It's weird thinking about actually being part of the working community, and to be honest I never thought I'd enter the workforce this soon, or be lucky enough to get paid rating F1 crashes, among other things.

The people there are pretty nice too. Met a number of TV people, and have actually been working across Paula Malai Ali and with Sanjeev Palar the past couple of days. The interview itself was conducted by someone who's been on TV as well, and no, I have not met Jamie Yeo yet. But everyone seems friendly and funny. Fascinating at times.

Fact that there is no actual dress code helps, sure. Dressed all snazzy on Monday, leather shoes and all, but went to work in faded jeans and a T-shirt today. I've gone to school dressed better. No complaints, of course, and today I saw a dude come in berms and slippers. Hmm. Still like the shirts though.

Yet every day I find myself wanting more. Maybe I'm greedy. To many degrees I know I am. Not in a good way too, most times. Crazy and gutsy too, maybe.

Each day brings with it something new to learn at the workplace, somewhere I'm lucky enough to combine my passion for (some) sports and a growing interest in the media. Still, I find myself distracted most of the time, glancing at my phone on the table, taking a few moments to quote some useless fragment of an overheard conversation to try and make someone laugh, or hoping that by the end of the day, I can get off the train a little earlier and say hi.

There's tomorrow though. Tomorrow, tomorrow.

Hi.

Fairy Tale

With the release of another Shrek movie – am I the only person that thinks that the 3D version of a movie would have been marketed better if it were the third, rather than the fourth movie? – and McDonald's questionable tie-in with the strangely successful franchise, fairy-tales are on the agenda these days. What exactly is a fairy tale, though? Obviously doesn't only involve fairies per se, but more often than not include magical or incredible characters, items or places. So most Disney stories about princesses fall under the category very obviously, but then so do other stories like a witch living in a candy house or three talking bears sleeping in beds.

I'm not sure what my favorite fairy tale is. Perhaps it's because one of the earliest memories I have of my childhood is how most of the books we had at home were non-fiction. Titles like The Way Things Work or 365 Things to Know or The Great Book of Birds lined my bookshelf more than anything from Aesop or Mother Goose. Not complaining, of course. I loved looking at things like the mechanisms behind the firing of a laser or the similarities in dinosaur and avian skeletal structure or the formation of a white dwarf, rather than the adventures of seven others.

Things don't always have a fairy-tale end, though. Heck, they almost never have a fairy-tale anything, even if you do find yourself the beautiful princess or charming prince. Like fairies themselves, such stories are more often than not just that, stories, designed to address hopes and desires unattainable in most instances.

Like how I said so very long ago, though, stories are an important part of the way life is.

Today marks an important day for the story of my life, I feel. Can't wait for later.

Been doing a lot of thinking lately, though some might argue that I tend to overthink everything anyway. Certain things.

Remembering something that never happened, and how so much has since, is a weird kind of feeling or situation. Looking back at that sentence, I guess it's vague, at best, but have you ever had someone special in your life, someone so dear and who means or meant so much to you and find later that they simply… don't? I'm not talking about breaking up with a significant other, because mutual romantic feelings and relationships are always difficult and pose unique challenges themselves. But how someone can come into your life, share laughter and smiles every day with, and then quite suddenly stop. It's like a character in a story that's been hypnotized or taken over by something or body-snatched by pod-people. And even stranger still, I find myself undisturbed by it, only curious. Someone who knows about the situation asked me last night (this morning?) if I was alright over the whole thing, and I said yes. And I am, though that's a little crazy. But I guess we all are, eh?

Gave the whole situation until the end of today to sort itself out, before I'm closing that chapter. And opening another.

Monday morning sees me starting work for the first time. Not the enforced office-life of NS, or the horrors of giving tuition to slack-eyed boys and mindless zombies for a pittance. No, an actual job. Almost unreal, definitely surreal. I still find it hard to believe at times, and I've had about two weeks to digest it. I remember how I always wanted to be a scientist, growing up. To be precise, I wanted to be an inventor, though I don't think I've ever invented anything, and am not exactly the enterprising or revolutionary sort. But anyway, starting work tomorrow at a huge, multi-national media company, working on something I've always had a passion in. Dream job? Not quite, since there was actually something else I was eyeing, though with this one already in the bag I hope that other gig goes to that other geek.

Looks like I'll be taking the train a lot in the times to come, so maybe this space will be a lot more active. Not as long a ride as other times in the past, but I think we're all in for long rides, and it's just up to each and every one of us to write our own fairy tale endings.

Friends

Not too many sneaky messages in this one, sorry.

I've never been Mr. Popular. Not bitter about it, of course. On the contrary, I've always thought that having a few really good friends was infinitely more rewarding than boasting a congregation of people who claim to be a friend. Looking back, I think I've had my fair share of both, and probably been both to a few people as well.

One of my oldest friends, someone I've known for about twelve years now, only recently spoke about this very same thing to me. Got me thinking, maybe overthinking, but then you're already reading this so you kind of want to know already. I'll go through a few people who I've thought about recently, in no particular order. Maybe you know these people, and maybe not. Maybe I don't, either.

There's someone who I shared everything with, gave everything to. Was really my best friend for the longest time, even if I always knew that I was not that same friend to her, though I was something admittedly "more". I'd still count her as someone I care about, a friend who I would make the effort to help.

Another I met early on in my university life, someone who seemed quiet and low-profile, though nowadays that's hardly a label that could be used. Most times I can't bring myself to bother about this one fellow, and sometimes I find the feeling mutual. Perhaps it's the alcohol.

Someone who I've only really known for less than a year, it seems, though in that time she has shown that she would do so much to maintain what we have, and often times I catch myself taking her for granted. She even gave me a Coke can from Korea, not to mention burgers on my birthday.

A girl I met when I was fourteen or so, so very long ago. A friend of a relative, as well as a friend of someone I fancied. Broke off the ties to both, though the two of us remained sporadic chat-buddies for the better part of a decade, before something unexpectedly blossomed. I probably didn't treat this person as well as she deserved, in the end, though others say otherwise.

One fellow who tends to be present at gatherings that I frequent, though my distaste for him is fairly obvious, and he remains one of the few people I have literally screamed at in public. He calls me obnoxious, and I call him a total idiot. That he's a vandal doesn't help, and I'm not too perturbed if I never see him again.

A person who I cared about, more than anything, for the longest time. Something and nothing happened at the same time, before thousands of miles came between us. Now that the miles are gone it seems like the distance is even greater, and I surprise myself in not being sure how I feel about that.

Somebody I've thought very highly of for a while until recently, having found that he went out of his way to exclude someone else from a gathering of school-mates, hiding that fact from the others. And this after I had gone out of my way not to make him feel any more down. I'm not sure what he is to me right now.

And another I met the first day in Secondary School, before moving on the Junior College together. As the years went by, things have changed, and while our paths have diverged we've always remained close. I think it's fair to say, however, that I haven't made as much effort as he has. I want to change that.

The one who suggested the comics. Don't always agree on everything, including the Apple/Windows debate, but I've never thought of him as anything but a friend, and a good one. Loud, but in a good way. That he is at least as in love with Jessica Alba as I am makes it easier to manage, of course.

Someone who should stick to goalkeeping, unfortunately a Liverpool fan, though that allows me to ridicule him incessantly. Shared countless trips home together, and he actually apologized to me about not being a good friend. It should be the other way around. Something else I need, and want, to fix.

The one who you can hear swearing from the next room. Haven't always seen eye-to-eye, and I recently found that there were a few things about me she couldn't really stand. I hope I'm able to mend those bridges, though the cat-food looks like a good sign. Thanks.

The person who gets bullied and teased about what people say are her small eyes. Not even sure how we got close, though it looks like it will be a while before I can spend time with her again, due to school and work. Sometimes I feel that I don't know too much about her, and I wonder if it's because I haven't bothered. She won't say it, but I think that's the case.

Two long-haired girls who don't talk to me anymore. Honestly, I don't even care, and I wonder why I tried so hard. Good riddance.

Somebody who shares a passion for football and video games, though his insistence on singing Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber drives me up the wall. Still, somebody who I can count on for almost anything, and hopefully that's mutual.

An individual who I've known yet not known until recently. Unsure about what I feel about it, because so many habits the person has annoys me to the point of wanting to throttle her. She thinks I'm insincere and boring, and I don't know what I think of her. Okayyy.

The one with the scary smile, he's offered to try and help with the job-hunting, though I'm happy I was able to get one without the assistance. Much appreciated, however, and though we don't see each other or talk nearly as much as before, I'd call him a good friend.

Someone who I bothered to help out, talk to everyday, when she used to cry all the time because of two foreign guys in school. She said she wouldn't be stupid, and that promise lasted a few minutes. Good achievement, all things considered, and it's not even surprising anymore how it went from wiping away her tears to clicking "Hide" on Facebook. I tried.

The girl who insists on smacking me every chance she gets, though the arrangements (hugs for smacks) has lessened it somewhat. She's not everyone's favorite, but one of mine.

The girl who I only found after knowing her for years. She looks for On the Origin of Species at the bookstore, shares a passion for good music and TV, and squeals when confronted with dogs or cats. I find myself wondering what took me so long to get to where we are. Don't want to let that, or her, go.

There's more, of course. Of the good and the bad. I'm not even going to pretend that I'm in everyone's good books, and that's exactly my point.

Sometimes it's important to think about who it is you want to bother with, and then bother.

2009/2010 Season Review: Man Utd’s Perspective

A couple of ill-thought comments from a disgruntled Arsenal fan inspired this, so bear with me.

Tonight marks the close of the 2009/2010 European football season, and while my interest in the Champions' League final will only last as long as the ice cream and sandwiches do, I think the season in general has been a pretty good one. For a long time now, pundits and personalities have been talking about how the English Premier League campaign this year has been arguably the best one in a while, breaking away from the traditional two horse race between United and either Chelsea, Arsenal or Liverpool. Granted, the Gunners did finish meekly, but there was a period where they looked like serious contenders.

The season was always going to be a tough one for United. Losing two world class players – one of them to your city rivals, as well – is never going to be easy for any side that has prided itself on its attacking flair and tendencies. The losses, coupled with injuries to key players all over the pitch, made the job that much tougher.

Still no excuse, of course. Every team faces its own injury problems, and one will rightly argue that a side with the resources that Old Trafford has (despite the Red Knight debacle) could have and should have plastered over the cracks left by the departures and casualties. In recent seasons such names as David Silva, Fernando Torres, Arjen Robben, Ronaldinho, Miguel Veloso and Sergio Aguero have been linked to the Red Devils, though like Alan Shearer so long ago, none of those moves came to fruition.

That being said, though, the failure to capture Alan Shearer (supposedly because Alex Ferguson would not give him penalty-taking duties over one Eric Cantona) paved the way for Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, and the super-sub (alongside Teddy Sheringham), wrote themselves into the history books at the Nou Camp about eleven years ago. Stroke of good fortune, perhaps? Solskjaer and United won numerous titles during his time there (I'm not even going to try to list them), and Shearer… well. Moving on.

Transfers aside (I've already talked about Dimitar Berbatov and Michael Owen at length, as well as my thoughts on Giuseppe Rossi and Gerard Pique), I think United can be satisfied with their season. One trophy, the Quarter-Finals of the Champions' League, second place in the domestic league. Not to gloat, but Liverpool and Arsenal fans, "Man U didn't win anything" isn't anything you can gloat about either, looking at what everyone was left with once the dust had settled. Fabregas pining for a return to Spain and Anfield's dynamic duo looking dejected on the final day of the season aren't exactly positive omens for the future, as much as signing one striker (who should have arrived at least six months ago)

Hats off to Chelsea, though, who went through a season that was at least as turbulent and disruptive as United's. Also facing injuries to players like Michael Essien and both Coles, as well as the unnecessary drama surrounding John Terry's debauchery, together with managerial change, they came out on top in a season where most backed Liverpool, and bagged themselves the FA Cup to boot. Scoring so many goals and beating all the top sides (something United almost did in their aforementioned treble season).

Fantastic results against big sides (Milan and Spurs immediately come to mind) and Rooney's emergence as one of the greats despite his tender age affords United fans some measure of relief, though not nearly as much as a big trophy would. All due respect to the Carling Cup, of course. What United can take heart from is that Antonio Valencia and Nani seem to have matured into really big game players, and others like Ryan Giggs, Paul Scholes, Darren Fletcher, Edwin Van Der Sar, Patrice and Nemanja Vidic have continued to show why they warrant a place in the squad. The likes of Michael Carrick, Owen Hargreaves, Darron Gibson, Wes Brown and (sadly) Dimitar Berbatov will have to step up more in the months to come for United to improve on their second-placed finish, though.

So United didn't record their fourth consecutive Premier League title, and failed to set a new record for title wins that was for so long Anfield's. So Rooney didn't win the Golden Boot after scoring over thirty, creating a bunch more (including 9 goals and 5 assists in 9 for England) and winning the Player of the Year award. So the Champions's League eluded Ferguson again, after United finished as the British side that progressed the furthest alongside Arsenal. So United fell to such side as Burnley and Fulham and Everton, despite beating Arsenal, Liverpool and just about everyone else but Chelsea.

That's why the standings speak for themselves, though.

Am I disappointed that United finished like they did? Sure. Before the loss to Chelsea and the draw to Blackburn, the title was still firmly in the grasp of the wily old Scot. Poor performances can cost you, though, and they did. Still, in a season tinged with disappointment, I'm sure United fans will still rally behind their team, looking forward to 2010/2011. If it's any consolation to any of you, we still outdid the two other red teams, and I've yet to meet a Chelsea fan who has supported the side since Zola and Di Matteo were in it.

End

So that story is over. Did it even begin? Was it anything to anyone but me?

Always seemed like it wasn't happening at all anyway, that it wasn't part of the real world. Even when I made her mine.

That other time and place never came. Even though I waited, did all I could.

Still don't know how or why it came to this, but there's nothing to do but walk away. As hard as it is.

Things change, I guess. And maybe it's just left for everyone to see how much they have.

Was decided, bad sentence structure and all.

No more movie lines. No more lingering hugs, old-school music, National Geographic or laughing about douchebag friends. No more secret one-sided feelings bursting at the seams. No more being gutsy or honest or stupid. No more late night walks, inside jokes, wishlists, translations, numbered moods, re-watching TV shows and movies. No more surprise E-Mails or visits or roti john.

A long time ago it was more yes than no, now it's nothing at all.

Heart needs a break, and not the kind it's been getting.

Late Night

Long time ago, someone very dear to me said that she couldn't bear to listen to the Love Songs show weeknights on Class 95 because it was too painful. Back then, I nodded, saying I understood. I didn't, not until today. Don't think I can listen to a lot of things any more, not for a while yet. This isn't a love song, just something I wrote even before what most recently happened. Still apt, I guess, and like before, if you've been paying attention, there's more.

I miss you.
Waking up to a funny message or call.
Laughing about things and people and life and stuff.
The long talks we used to have everyday about everything.
Always I've thought things were good, great, fantastic.
The little things we always believed in.
Flowers, that blue one I got you that you liked and hid.
Late night walks and hugs and secrets.

I miss you.
Going to sleep with you on my mind.
Wondering if you felt the same way.
Time and place, you said, it was wrong.
Always seems to be wrong, but can't we make it right?
The big things that I said we could get around.
Maybe all I have left are the messages and memories.
It's just space you want, you say, but it feels like you're drifting away.

I miss you.
Getting tired of nothing you do.
Holding on when things seem bleak.
Not going home just to spend another minute with you.
Always I've been true, honest, gutsy, here.
Everything I feel I've poured out to you.
Nothing I do seems to work.
Alone again tonight.

I miss you.
Even though I know I shouldn't, shouldn't say it.
It's difficult not to, when I feel it.
It's true I was stupid, breaking my rules.
Always thought I could give you what you deserved.
Understood what that meant, what you wanted.
Until recently, I thought that you'd give this, give us a chance.
You stole my heart, broke it, still have it. Always will.

Want

"You don't always get what you want."

That's what she said to me so very long ago, though I'm reminded everyday.

I've always believed that you should at least try to get what you want though, if that makes you happy. I've been telling myself that to justify everything I've done recently. Maybe I'm right, maybe not. Who knows? Not me.

So it boils down to a matter of what I want.

I want that person, of course.

But not as much as I want her to be happy.

But right now it seems like the only thing I can do is wait. Wait for things to settle, for people to be ready. Then to see if it works, or happens.

In that other time and place.

What Now?

For the longest time, it all seemed set. Straightforward.

Graduate with decent, if not good, grades. Start work. Save. Get married to the obvious person.

Seems like another life, or the story of another person.

"I feel like you're a different person now."

That's what someone said to me a few days ago.

Gets that way sometimes, or maybe all the time, to everyone. Change. Maybe it's drastic, dramatic, or maybe it's gradual and gentle.

Circumstances, situations, feelings, people change.

Sometimes.

Not Going Anywhere

A bunch of people going through really rough patches the past few days or weeks, so hopefully things pick up for everyone. Developments have given some affirmation over difficult decisions, and others reason to doubt. For what it's worth, I think that even if mistakes have been made, the only thing that that means is that you have more opportunity to grow, instead. Cliché, I know, and you know how much I hate those.

Readers of this space – both the observant regulars and the casual ones – would have guessed by now that something's up. Some accost and try and cajole secrets to be revealed, but I'll just say that I'm not comfortable being too open about certain things.

But you write about those things on your awesome blog, you cry out. Yes, yes I do. And I write only as much as I am comfortable sharing right now. The clever ones may have seen more amidst the nonsense, perhaps, but the fact remains that right now, as ever, things are uncertain, and there's little point in raising any hopes for something that is at best a slim possibility. I'm not pessimistic, just realistic.

That being said, it's not like I don't talk or think about it.

"She sounds like a keeper."

"She is."

Conversation with a friend of mine only recently.

Thing is, I still don't really know what she thinks.

Sometimes it feels right, and it's going to work simply because it seems so natural. Other times it feels like I'm fishing with the wrong bait. Or no bait at all. Watching that one get away.

Those times it feels like nothing is going anywhere.

But I guess the only thing to do is stick.

I'm not going anywhere.

Trust

A funny thing.

Can't hold it, yet it weighs heavily.

Can't put a price to it, but it's valued above all else.

Can't paint it, picture it, but you can see when it's there.

Takes an age to build up, and can be destroyed in an instant.

And no matter how much you think you have, sometimes it's not enough.

Promises

Lately that word's been cropping up a lot. With you.

Some people use it lightly, though I'd like to think I'm not one of them. Promises I make, I keep. Trust me.

At the same time, I'd expect the same from anyone else.

You can't always ask for a promise though. And I'm not.

And sometimes you just have to go with it, even without that assurance.